The Church of Scientology announced today it is creating Pedanon, a special program to treat pedophiles and other sex offenders by using a sauna and megadoses of niacin to run out the radiation, BT’s, and toxins in their bodies which cause pedophilia and other unnatural sexual desires.

“It’s not like we in the Church of Scientology are winning any popularity contests these days,” ecclesiastical leader Mr. David Miscavige candidly remarked. “Moreover, we are in desperate need of new sources of cash since Narconon has been sued into virtual nonexistence.”

“Whereupon, we see pedophile and sex offender treatment as a lucrative and untapped source of government money. We are currently setting up hundreds of home-based Pedanon treatment centers in good neighborhoods throughout the world. A Scientology Pedanon residential treatment center will soon be in your neighborhood!”

“Governments will gladly pay Scientology to feed, house, and treat these degraded beings that no one wants. And best of all,” enthused Mr. Miscavige, “if we in Scientology beat, abuse, or otherwise financially exploit pedophiles or sex offenders in our Pedanon treatment centers it’s not like the public or the media is going to care. This is a tailor-made money-making opportunity for the Church of Scientology!”