Church of Scientology Acquires Jeffrey Epstein’s Private Island

“The Church of Scientology has acquired sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein’s private island,” announced Church spokesman Mr. Ken Delusion. “The secret rooms and chambers on the island where no one can hear you scream are perfectly suited to Scientology’s particular needs.”

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  1. Although this exciting news flash is short on details, it sure is tantalizing!!! With the acquisition of a private island the possibilities are literally endless for the coolest religion in the guh-lax-ee!!!!!

    I immediately think of a spiritual paradise that is a combination of the Freewinds, an Ideal Advanced Org, an Ideal Class V Org, Ideal Missions, a variety of Ideal Field Groups, a collection of all the Ideal Shadowy Front Groups, the best ever Ideal Secret Nuke Proof CST Base, an Ideal OSA interrogation lounge and of course a huge IAS fundraising auditorium with no exits and lots of regges!!! If that doesn’t sound like a spiritual dream come true, I don’t know what does!!!!!!!

    And speaking of fundraising, I notice in the photo that there is some construction equipment in the background. Does this mean that fundraising has begun without me? Where oh where can I donate? Is there the possibility of Status upgrade for early contributors? Will there be celebs, oversized plaques and shiny objects involved?

    This might not be important, but who exactly is this Mr. Epstein fellow? Is he Jewish? Will that offend our fellow Scientologists who are also members of the Nation of Islam, or will the cash just make any unpleasantness go away like it did with Bob Duggan’s Big Pharma backed donations? Although it isn’t officially written anywhere, it seems like cash is the universal solvent. (I JUST HAD THAT COG!!!) It has sure helped with a few Ethics cycles I’ve been thru personally and I’ve been grateful for the opportunity to cleanse my crimes and make some serious progress on the Bridge to Total Spiritual Freedom. Praise COB!!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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