Justin Bieber, 25, of Upstate New York, Canada, succumbed to injuries he suffered in the octagon during a sanctioned fight with actor Tom Cruise, 89, of Clearwater, Florida.
“It was the 1,000 yard OT Death Stare,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “OT’s can kill with a glance. OT’s don’t like to use this power publicly anymore than they like to knock fedoras off people’s heads at 50 feet. But after Mr. Bieber foolishly and publicly challenged Tom Cruise to a fight it was matter of honor.”
“Justin Bieber’s thetan is presently at the between-lives implanting station on Mars,” Delusion noted.
“Let this be a warning to anyone who challenges Scientology: There are dreadful consequences!”