Fleet Admiral David Miscavige spoke from the dais in the Great Hall of Exact Data and ordered all Scientologists to remain dauntless, defiant, and resolute during this intensely radioactive period of Black PR.

“The attacks on the Church have happened due to a certain legal situation,” Mr. Miscavige stated. “The reality is that this very low-ranking Scientologist, and he really is a nobody has-been actor, pulled in this situation because he failed to ever begin his study of the Basics or to donate to the IAS and increase his Patron status. We are checking to see if he ever was actually a Scientologist or just pretended to be one so he could get a role on a TV sitcom.”

“Furthermore, no Scientologist is allowed to read about this legal situation. Anyone doing so we will placed into the new lowest Ethics condition I have created called ‘You’re Fucked and Will Be Beaten!‘”