“While it is true that former Speaker of the House Denny Hastert was a Scientologist who received hundreds of hours of Scientology auditing in the 1970’s,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion, “it […]
Tower of Scientology To House Criminal SP’s
“With record Scientology expansion comes record suppression,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion, “and that is why Captain Miscavige had 24 additional stories added to the Superannuated Los Angeles Infinity Platinum Model Ideal […]
Church of Scientology to Build Religious Chemical Factory #1 in Hollywood
“Styrene, benzine, toluene, freon, acetone, MMA, MEK, exene, cyclopentane and other chemicals are vitally needed in large quantities if we in the Church of Scientology are to practice our religion properly,” declared […]
Scientology’s Enemies “Out Exchange” on Fair Game!
“While reviewing cash flow numbers today, Captain David Miscavige expressed vague unease at the one hundred million dollars in parishioner money being spent each month on Fair Game and lawyers,” declared Scientology […]
Statcrash in the Cathedral
“Flag Land Base has gone criminal!” declared Senior International Ecclesiastical Sec Checker and Interim IJC Captain Davis Jackinov. “Fleet Admiral Miscavige entrusted Flag to forward command intention with our new 21st century […]
Why Scientology Costs So Much Money
“We in the Church of Scientology wish to point out that planets don’t clear themselves,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Clearing costs money as do Ideal Orgs, dissemination centers, hyperbaric implanting chambers, […]
New and Easier “Sec Checks Lite” Feature 50% Less Brutality!
“Captain David Miscavige is inviting you to drop by your nearest Ideal Org to experience the new Sec Check Lite!” enthused Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Designed by RTC to handle your crimes […]
NBC News Anchor Brian Williams Turns to the Church of Scientology for Crisis PR Help
Embattled NBC news anchor Brian Williams has turned to the Church of Scientology for help. Williams knows that Scientology’s proven ability to handle crisis PR is vital if he is to save […]
Fracking Responsible for the Church of Scientology’s Problems
“A newly released study authoritatively concludes that the Church of Scientology’s seemingly endless problems are caused by fracking,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Funded by the Citizen’s Commission on Human Rights, this […]
Church of Scientology Hires North Korea to Handle Media and Internet Problems
“North Korea’s success in confronting and shattering a suppressive movie by Sony was extremely impressive,” declared Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “And that is why we in the Church of Scientology have hired […]
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 