“If you’re stuck on the toilet, then surely you’ll be stuck on your Bridge as well,” declared Dr. Juan Diego San Kool de Menthol, New OTVIII, three L’s completions, OEC/FEBC with gold […]
Scientology Super Purification Colon Cleanser
An Exciting New Eau de Cologne for IAS Patrons!
“COB Pompous Ass cologne is redolent of snobbery and elitism and yet has whimsical undertones of desperation, lies, and impending doom.” — Perfume & Colognes Weekly “It smells like ass.” Ricardo Flavio, […]
David Miscavige Brand Ideal Orgs
Scientology Selling Debt @ 11.75% Interest
Beset by liquidity issues related to a five-year stat crash downtrend, the Church of Scientology today announced the sale of subordinated debentures to the tune of $2.5 billion. The minimum buy-in is […]
Dianetics: Modern Science of Mental Health for Homo Saps
Following the unprecedented success of Guhlaxy Press selling 50,000,000 copies Battlefield Earth at Comic-Con 2016, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige is having Bridge Publications rush into production a 100,000,000 piece print run […]
COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige Announces ABF
“Entheta is up 3,000%,” announced Captain Ken Delusion, CO Entheta Particles Unit OSA. “Even with all he is doing, and all he has done, COB can’t open new Ideal Orgs fast enough […]
Fleet Admiral David Miscavige Crushes Coup in Turkey!
Turkey’s wog President Recep Tayyip Erdogan today publicly thanked the Fleet Admiral David Miscavige and his elite RTC Thetan Team 6 commandos for crushing the attempted coup against Erdogan’s government. Said Scientology […]
Exclusive: Scientology’s Secret Underground Alien Base Discovered!
CIA Director John O. Brennan today announced that the agency had discovered Scientology’s secret underground alien base at an undisclosed location. “The Church of Scientology has been working with aliens since the […]
Are You a Declared SP Being Harassed by Anti-Scientologists? There is Help!
“We in the Church of Scientology have opened up a hotline for declared SP’s to call if they feel harassed by anti-Scientologists,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Even though we totally ruined […]
Emergency StatPush: Battlefield Earth Has Sold Only 122 Copies!
Classified: The 2016 relaunch of Battlefield Earth has sold only 122 copies. Galaxy Press is hereby assigned the condition of CONFUSION. COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered all Scientologists to immediately […]
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 