Tag Archives: San Fernando Valley

The Leaning Scientology Ideal Org of The Valley

“Pictures don’t lie,” said Valley Ideal Org Executive Director Ken Delusion. “Our Org is leaning. The entire building slopes towards Burbank Blvd.

“This sloping of the building interfered with yesterday’s meeting of the Emergency Plenary Committee on Excess Carpeting & Floor Space. Water bottles kept falling over. Speakers had to stand at unnatural angles to compensate.

“A wog geological engineering firm we hired was able to determine the ‘Why’ for why the Org is leaning,” Delusion noted. “It seems that the 1,500 trillion metric tons of unsold Basics libraries in the basement has caused a failure in the ground beneath the Org.

“But what can we do?” Delusion lamented. “COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige long ago ordered the Valley to take in and store in our basement all of the unwanted Basics libraries produced by Bridge Publications each day.  This has been going on for ten years now.

“As a consequence, the Valley Org now owes Bridge Publications over $250,000 trillion dollars for these Basics libraries. Worse, the City of Los Angeles is demanding that we fix the problem. We have no money and only a tiny handful of staff. The solution, per the Founder, is to fix it using Scientology. But how can we do this when Scientology caused the problem in the first place? Color me hopeless,” Delusion concluded.

Scientology in a Crisis of Excess Carpeting & Floor Space

The Scientology Emergency Plenary Committee on Excess Carpeting & Floor Space Meets to Discuss the Crisis

“Scientology’s straight up and vertical expansion over the years has created a crisis of excess carpeting and floor space,” declared ED Daphne Dimwit of the San Fernando Valley Ideal Org.

“The carpet cleaning and maintenance bills are killing us here at the Valley Org,” lamented ED Dimwit. “We have a cavernous empty main room that was only used once this past month — and that was for a half-day photo op of the Emergency Interfaith Committee.”

“We at the Valley Org would be so much better off selling the building to a real church and just meeting over at Nancy’s house once a month. The same is true of the other Ideal Orgs. They’re all just so big and empty.”

Trouble in the San Fernando Valley

ValleyOrgBurbank-e1370040684470Ensign Dick Duckley of the Sea Org didn’t need the Scientology Justice Manual to tell him there was a serious flap in the San Fernando Valley. Indeed, Duckley had been fired on an urgent mission to handle.

The sit was stats.

Specifically, the worst statcrash in the history of Scientology.

The Valley had raised $1,000,000 in one week for the new Ideal Org. But then the stat crashed to $8,500. The psychotic computation of Scientologists in the Valley was that the stat crashed because “two wealthy OT’s” had each donated $500,000 in one week and did not donate the following week.

But that is not a why.

The why is why didn’t the Valley stay in Action Affluence?

As soon as Ensign Dick Duckley walked into the mandatory meeting all Valley OT Committee members had been ordered to attend, the putrid and repugnant stench of Valley’s hidden crimes almost overpowered him.

“Welcome Ensign Dick Duckley,” said OT VIII Ed Lambert.

DON’T CALL ME ENSIGN!” screamed Ensign Dick Duckley whereupon he violently shoved Ed Lambert’s head into the wall so hard that it punched a hole in the drywall. “Haven’t you read the new COB Directive? You are to never, ever, ever, refer to any Sea Org member by their honorary Sea Org rank you CICS! My Sea Org rank means nothing! I derive my authority from my post within the Scientology ecclesiastical hierarchy of churches! Moreover, although many of my juniors outrank me, I am still their senior as Commanding Officer Ideal Org Ethics and Compliance Western US (CO IOEC WUS)! Got it?!”

drywall“Got it,” said the dazed Ed Lambert as he picked impacted flecks of drywall from his now battered and dusty skull. Lambert was quickly regretting the fact he did not find or manufacture an excuse to skip this mandatory OTC meeting.

Duckley was furious with the wretched  downstat “ethics bait” public Scientologists in the Valley. Adding to their crimes, only seven people had shown up to the mandatory meeting.

Even with free Costco pizza, fully 51 of the OTC members who confirmed their attendance had all made last-minute excuses to stay away. Duckley calculated that these OT’s had gone into mutual out ruds as they couldn’t confront the magnitude of the statcrash — let alone confront their enormous crimes against the Church and COB.

costco-pizzaEnsign Duckley picked up a slice of Costco pizza and began eating. Actual research has shown that Costco pizza is quite delicious. It is certainly much better than the godawful slop Duckley was forced to consume daily at Pac Base in order to fend off starvation and death.

Ensign Duckley was very hungry. Pac Base had been on a diet of rice and beans and eggs for several months now. This was the tastiest food Duckley had eaten in at least one year. Accordingly, he sat down at the conference table and wolfed down an entire Costco pizza. He washed it down with a full liter of cold Pepsi. It was heaven.

Duckley let out a long burp and then stood up. Having nourished himself in silence as the OTC cowered in the far corner of the room, Duckley did what he had been sent to do: He gave the Valley OTC an R Factor with an atomic branding iron: “If you panty-waisted, theety-wheetie, dilettantes don’t have a new million dollars next week all of you will be declared SP’s! That comes straight from COB. Now I suggest you call Nancy Cartwright and a few other real OT’s to make it happen!”

OT VIII Ed Lambert

OT VIII Ed Lambert

The stunned OT Committee members sat in shocked silence. Each of their NOTs’ cases was keyed-in and buzzing as they trembled in fear of Ensign Dick Duckley.

Ed Lambert, however, had apparently pulled in a concussion when Ensign Duckley put in harsh Sea Org Ethics on him. Lambert didn’t understand one word of what Duckley was saying.

Ed Lambert instead began speaking incoherently in Shermanspeak, which is to say he sounded normal for a Scientologist.

“And so by way of arriving at a fully embracive solution…” Lambert declared with supreme OT confidence.

Thinking Lambert had something vitally important to say — and being conditioned to obediently listen to Shermanspeak — everyone in the room stopped to listen to the man.

“…which solution is contained in the materials of GAT II and Super Power,” Lambert emphasized, “and so it follows that when our social betterment technologies are gotten in — and applied at the correct orders of magnitude, and yes, applied in the exact sequence — planetary clearing not only becomes possible but it becomes inevitable. Whereupon, it becomes evident that COB’s new Purif uniforms are responsible for the crime rate plunging 95% across entire sectors and nations and continents….”

“SHUT UP YOU BABBLING BLATHERING IDIOT!” shouted Ensign Dick Duckley. This rebuke did not register with OT Ed Lambert who kept babbling on in the valence of COB.

Valley2-1024x992Ensign Duckley ignored Ed Lambert and glared at the rest of the OT Committee members. “COB thinks your future Ideal Org is an ugly and old embarrassing piece of crap building. COB personally told me that your building is old and rundown and that all of you are also old and rundown”

“My orders from COB,” Duckley announced, “are to get some beautiful young people into the Valley and find a way to offload all of you fossils onto some Org in Mexico — except of course for Nancy, Michael,  Craig and a few other real OT’s who have the wherewithal and ability to truly make an Ideal Org happen and then boom its stats through the roof. You losers are just not cutting it and COB wonders if you all false attested to Clear. You’ll be getting a call about that later today from the HCO.”

Ensign Dick Duckley left the Valley in disgust and, in equal disgust, headed back to Pac Base and the life there he so hated.