Tag Archives: rape

Danny Masterson Appearance at Scientology’s Christmas Party Cancelled

Scientologists Jenna Elfman, Laura Prepon, Erika Christensen, and Danny Masterson in the “good old days” before Masterson was accused of raping four women

“Danny Masterson’s traditional appearance as Santa Claus at the Scientology Celebrity Centre’s Christmas gala has been cancelled,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

When asked to comment on the allegations that Scientologist Danny “Donkey Punch” Masterson raped four women, and may have even choked or drugged them during the alleged rapes, Delusion stated, ““The Church adamantly denies the implication the Church would ignore the criminal behavior of certain members, especially at the expense of alleged victims. What is being stated is utterly untrue. This has nothing to do with religion. This story is being manipulated to push a bigoted agenda. The Church follows all laws and cooperates with law enforcement. Any statement or implication to the contrary is false.”

When asked what his bloviating non-statement actually meant, Delusion remarked that if saving Scientology meant throwing Masterson under the bus then COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has decreed that this would happen. “Look,” Delusion said, “the Democrats are going to throw Senator Al Franken under the bus to save the party. Well then we in Scientology are doing the same thing with Danny Masterson after our extensive efforts at stonewalling and bribery have failed. Our friends at the LAPD and the L.A. District Attorney’s Office are getting real nervous about the Masterson situation. And if they’re nervous why then Mr. Miscavige is nervous too.”

“If Danny Masterson is convicted and goes to prison then it means that he was never a real Scientologist. Delusion noted. “Therefore, declaring him an SP and getting rid of him is the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.”

Netflix could not be reached for comment as it was hiding under its desk and had the door to its office locked.

Danny Masterson Joins the Sea Org CLO in Canada

“Danny Masterson wanted a higher purpose in life than acting,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “Danny also needed a billion year break from the entheta of Hollywood, a change of jurisdiction so to speak.”

“And so that’s why Danny joined the Sea Org in Canada. He has been transported to Ice Station Hubbard, a remote CLO Base somewhere north of the Arctic Circle. Accessible only by air, Danny made what was probably the last flight into ISH now that winter has set in. There’s no cellphones or telexes up there either. Danny is basically inaccessible and COB likes it that way.”

Ice.Station.Hubbard

Winning with Scientology

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COB RTC David Miscavige & Mr. Danny Masterson to headline at the Winning with Scientology Seminar at Celebrity Centre! Seats are limited. Book your tickets now. Event to be held in the CC Donkey Punch Pavilion.

Also speaking at the event will be LAPD Captain David Storaker and other LAPD command personnel whose consistent praise for the Church of Scientology shows just how much we in Scientology own these wog cops.

 

Church of Scientology Offers Effective PR Solutions to Bill Cosby

“We are the experts on Public Relations,” declared Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion during his press conference at the Church’s Psychiatry: An Industry of Death museum in Hollywood.

bill-cosby“Scientology’s approach to PR is simple: Always attack, never defend. And so Bill Cosby needs to savagely attack his attackers and find their hidden crimes. This tactic works very well for we in the Church of Scientology,” Delusion remarked.

“Scientology’s ecclesiastical leader Mr. David Miscavige is a leading figure of our age — and yet he has had to endure negative PR from haters. Thus, Mr. Miscavige highly recommends that Bill Cosby use the following proven Scientology PR lines to respond to his attackers:

* These women were hired by Big Pharma to attack Bill Cosby due to his outspoken opposition to the wholesale psychiatric drugging of children in our schools.

* Only criminals looking for a payday would attack the beloved  Bill Cosby.

* The people on Bill Cosby’s staff responsible for past misbehavior were terminated long ago. These unfounded and hateful allegations are old news.

* Desperate for ratings and on the verge of bankruptcy, CNN is making sensational claims about disproven allegations that are old news.

* Those making the allegations are bitter defrocked apostates.

* If Humanitarian Bill Cosby were a criminal then why is he distributing millions of copies of The Way to Happiness in lands racked by the scourge of violence  and drugs?

* Bill Cosby has nothing to do with managing the daily affairs of his production company and so cannot respond to these allegations.

* Aside from making brief appearances to dedicate orphanages and hospitals, Mr. Cosby has never been in any of the states in which his accusers live. Indeed, none of the states in which his accusers live has any jurisdiction over Mr. Cosby.