Tag Archives: Los Angeles Police Department

We in Scientology Apologize for Placing a Kiosk in the LAPD Hollywood Division

We in Scientology wish to apologize for any misunderstanding over the installation of our kiosk in the public lobby of the LAPD Hollywood Division station house.

What was supposed to have been installed was a bust of L. Ron Hubbard. The error has been corrected and the LRH bust in now on display in the lobby.

Scientology Uses Kiosks to Save the City of Los Angeles!


The City of Angels was in danger of being taken over by criminal elements as waves of murders and narcotics trafficking ravaged the once fabled city. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse loomed on the horizon!

But then Scientology stepped in with its social betterment programs to save Los Angeles in the same way it had saved Colombian from the wave of killings, drug cartels, and FARC rebels.

Scientology installed informational kiosks in all Los Angeles Police Department Divisional headquarters. LAPD officers handed out copies of The Way to Happiness. Volunteer Ministers handed out copies of Scientology’s anti-drug booklets. Suddenly, crime plunged to historic levels in Los Angeles!

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” enthused LAPD Captain Cory Palka. “There’s  no crime anywhere! Now my days can be spent in my squad car eating donuts and drinking coffee! It’s just like the good ol’ days now that Los Angeles has become Mayberry RFD thanks to Scientology! This is all due to the benevolence and greatness of David Miscavige! Thank you sir!”

Scientology ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige will be given the “Gold Key to the City of Los Angeles” medal by Sheriff Lee Baca in a special ceremony in the Barbados next week.

Danny Masterson Appearance at Scientology’s Christmas Party Cancelled

Scientologists Jenna Elfman, Laura Prepon, Erika Christensen, and Danny Masterson in the “good old days” before Masterson was accused of raping four women

“Danny Masterson’s traditional appearance as Santa Claus at the Scientology Celebrity Centre’s Christmas gala has been cancelled,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

When asked to comment on the allegations that Scientologist Danny “Donkey Punch” Masterson raped four women, and may have even choked or drugged them during the alleged rapes, Delusion stated, ““The Church adamantly denies the implication the Church would ignore the criminal behavior of certain members, especially at the expense of alleged victims. What is being stated is utterly untrue. This has nothing to do with religion. This story is being manipulated to push a bigoted agenda. The Church follows all laws and cooperates with law enforcement. Any statement or implication to the contrary is false.”

When asked what his bloviating non-statement actually meant, Delusion remarked that if saving Scientology meant throwing Masterson under the bus then COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has decreed that this would happen. “Look,” Delusion said, “the Democrats are going to throw Senator Al Franken under the bus to save the party. Well then we in Scientology are doing the same thing with Danny Masterson after our extensive efforts at stonewalling and bribery have failed. Our friends at the LAPD and the L.A. District Attorney’s Office are getting real nervous about the Masterson situation. And if they’re nervous why then Mr. Miscavige is nervous too.”

“If Danny Masterson is convicted and goes to prison then it means that he was never a real Scientologist. Delusion noted. “Therefore, declaring him an SP and getting rid of him is the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.”

Netflix could not be reached for comment as it was hiding under its desk and had the door to its office locked.

Winning with Scientology

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COB RTC David Miscavige & Mr. Danny Masterson to headline at the Winning with Scientology Seminar at Celebrity Centre! Seats are limited. Book your tickets now. Event to be held in the CC Donkey Punch Pavilion.

Also speaking at the event will be LAPD Captain David Storaker and other LAPD command personnel whose consistent praise for the Church of Scientology shows just how much we in Scientology own these wog cops.