Tag Archives: Laura Prepon

Danny Masterson Appearance at Scientology’s Christmas Party Cancelled

Scientologists Jenna Elfman, Laura Prepon, Erika Christensen, and Danny Masterson in the “good old days” before Masterson was accused of raping four women

“Danny Masterson’s traditional appearance as Santa Claus at the Scientology Celebrity Centre’s Christmas gala has been cancelled,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

When asked to comment on the allegations that Scientologist Danny “Donkey Punch” Masterson raped four women, and may have even choked or drugged them during the alleged rapes, Delusion stated, ““The Church adamantly denies the implication the Church would ignore the criminal behavior of certain members, especially at the expense of alleged victims. What is being stated is utterly untrue. This has nothing to do with religion. This story is being manipulated to push a bigoted agenda. The Church follows all laws and cooperates with law enforcement. Any statement or implication to the contrary is false.”

When asked what his bloviating non-statement actually meant, Delusion remarked that if saving Scientology meant throwing Masterson under the bus then COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has decreed that this would happen. “Look,” Delusion said, “the Democrats are going to throw Senator Al Franken under the bus to save the party. Well then we in Scientology are doing the same thing with Danny Masterson after our extensive efforts at stonewalling and bribery have failed. Our friends at the LAPD and the L.A. District Attorney’s Office are getting real nervous about the Masterson situation. And if they’re nervous why then Mr. Miscavige is nervous too.”

“If Danny Masterson is convicted and goes to prison then it means that he was never a real Scientologist. Delusion noted. “Therefore, declaring him an SP and getting rid of him is the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.”

Netflix could not be reached for comment as it was hiding under its desk and had the door to its office locked.

Wedding Bells to Ring Again for Scientologist Tom Cruise!

COB RTC David Miscavige is personally managing the courtship and marriage of Scientologists Tom Cruise and Laura Prepon.

“Mr. Miscavige has a proven record of success handling the 2D, or marriages, of Scientology parishioners,” Delusion noted.

“Factually, this will be the fourth successful Scientology marriage for Tom Cruise that Mr. Miscavige will be orchestrating from the first date, to the honeymoon, and on through the day-to-day affairs whereby Tom and Laura will write KR’s on each other and then secretly send them to we in RTC.”

“Moreover,” Delusion noted, “COB needs Tom and Laura to star in a new series of tech training videos.”

“The purpose of these videos will be to guide Scientologists  through the GAT II student hat evolution using the new BTB’s after which Method 7 word clearing must be completed before anyone can secure for the night.”

“Of course, this will not happen,” Delusion explained, “until all Scientologists handle their unflatness on the Pro TR’s clay table. And this is where Tom Cruise and Laura Prepon will help COB by acting in tech films that are a wanted and needed 3D VFP.”

“Then again, as Tom Cruise and Laura Prepon both have IAS Patron Instamatic Golden Excalibur status, theirs will be a totally Theta 2d,” Delusion enthused.

“Which is to say their 2D will totally be about KSW.”