In a ruling handed down today in the US Middle District of Florida Federal Court, Judge James Whittemore affirmed the Church of Scientology’s religious right to “hunt down and guillotine Suppressive Persons.”
Citing the First Amendment, Judge Whittemore made it clear in his ruling that the Government may not interfere in religious tribunals. “As offensive as it may be to some, Scientology’s right to hunt down, capture, and transport across state lines any and all SP’s (including minor children) and publicly execute them at Ideal Orgs is a protected religious sacrament in which the court may not interfere.”
“However, Scientology’s sale of tickets to the general public who wish to view these executions is not an exempt activity,” Judge Whittemore held in his ruling. “Therefore, Scientology must declare the income from these ticket sales as non-exempt and pay taxes on this secular income.”
“David Miscavige dropped by Trump Tower the other day,” said the President. “He had yuge concerns, very yuge concerns he told me, about Scientology being a persecuted minority religion. David wanted some special laws passed about putting SP’s in prison and having them beaten by the guards. Not gonna happen I said. Little David started getting very animated folks. He was waving his arms around, stamping his feet, and cussing up a storm. Folks let me say this: I don’t like profanity in my house or at the White House. I actually had to have the Secret Service make David sit down on the sofa and cool down.
“I then called in my Attorney General Jeff Sessions, and folks Jeff Sessions is a great guy, just great. And I had Jeff Session explain, in real simple terms, what freedom of speech is to little David. It was a waste of time. David said he didn’t understand and demanded that the US repeal the First Amendment. Jeff Sessions said that would hurt Scientology. David then demanded that the First Amendment be modified so that religions were protected while freedom of speech was outlawed.
“I got a little hot under the collar and said, ‘David ya’ gotta stop with this crazy talk and just learn to take the heat! I got people screaming for my head everyday and I just ignore it! I let Sean Spicer or Kellyanne take care of it. What do I care? I got a country to run!’ David sat there and pouted. Folks, I had to finally tell him that he gets his feelings hurt too easily. What I didn’t tell him was that if he had been on The Apprentice I would’ve fired him at the end of the first show of the new season. Folks, this guy Miscavige has too much time and money on his hands and has no one to tell him to knock it off when he gets crazy. I got Melania, Kellyanne, Mike Pence, Mad Dog Mattis and a lot of other good tough people. Little David could use some good tough advisers. But what does he do? He surrounds himself with all those bootlickers and toadies!
“But just to show there were no hard feelings towards Scientology from my Administration, Melania and I gifted David with a very nice, very plush, and very expensive stuffed lion to show we’re fine with Scientology and all of the other whacko UFO alien cults in America. And let me tell you little David was ecstatic. He was really happy folks.
“David was also a very thirsty little guy, very thirsty, and he drank all the scotch in my penthouse. Really thirsty little guy. But then he sent over a case of Macallan so he keeps his exchange in folks. And that’s more than I can say for the Democrats who take and take and take and won’t even approve the rest of my cabinet.”