Tag Archives: raid

Scientology Butthurt Cream: For Pain Levels of 2.0 or Greater!


Scientology Butthurt Cream is indicated for butthurt pain levels of 2.0 or greater. What are some examples of when a Scientologist needs to use Scientology Butthurt Cream? Below are three scenarios:

Scenario 1: Your new mobster movie just scored 0 on Rotten Tomatoes and you’re the laughingstock of Hollywood. That’s some serious butthurt pal! And it has a pain level of 2.0 or higher! What to do? Bend over and have your 2D apply Scientology Butthurt Cream liberally to soothe the burning and irritation.

Scenario 2: You’re a global ecclesiastical leader and the internet makes fun of your empty Ideal Orgs. This really chaps your ass! What to do? Bend over and have your COB Assistant apply Scientology Butthurt Cream liberally to soothe the burning and irritation caused by criminal joking & degrading.

Scenario 3: You’re the Executive Director of Scientology Moscow and the Org has just been raided again. This is big time butthurt for you and your entire staff. Time to break out the Ideal Org Emergency Scientology Butthurt Staff Pack! The staff pack can treat up to 120 butthurt staff. Apply by twinning.

Trump Lawyer Michael Cohen Turns to Scientology for Help!

“We in the Church of Scientology know what it’s like to be the victim of a massive and unconstitutional raid by US Federal agents. This happened to us in 1977 when hundreds of FBI agents, acting in a Gestapo-like fashion, launched a surprise early morning raid on our Orgs,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“And now the same jackbooted government thugs have raided the President’s wog lawyer Michael Cohen. But let’s not kid ourselves: The raid on Cohen’s offices was a warning to the President to not interfere in Big Pharma’s lucrative opioid epidemic — which epidemic is a carbon copy of Britain’s lucrative 19th century opium sales to China!”

“The shape-shifting alien reptilian British Monarchy is behind the raids on Michael Cohen. These godless reptilians need the money from opioid sales to finance their black propaganda wars designed to destroy Scientology which is  mankind’s only hope of salvation! The raid on Cohen was a false flag operation that had absolutely nothing to do with Russia, collusion, election tampering, or obstruction of justice. It was all about keeping Americans high on dope and as faraway as possible from Narconon’s safe and effective drug treatment program! Likewise, the 1977 raid on Scientology was based on a flimsy trumped up charge that we used government copier paper without permission.”

“We in Scientology have promised to help Michael Cohen. As such, we are now investigating the hidden crimes of Big Pharma’s rabid lapdog Robert Mueller and the  shadowy merchants of chaos with whom he is plotting. And when we connect all the dots, we will surely find Psychiatry and the reptilian British Monarchy behind this dire plot to destroy Scientology and enslave the masses!”