Tag Archives: internet

The Scientology Sea Org Prepares to Destroy the Internet!

“Declaring the internet to be proveable bullshit, we in the Scientology Sea Org are preparing to wage war against rationality, reason, sanity, and all other manifestations of the internet,” declared Fleet Admiral David Miscavige.

“The internet is the reactive mind writ large in cyberspace. Whereupon,” declared the Fleet Admiral, his pompadour glistening in the sunlight from a fresh application of mink oil, “we in Scientology shall commence to destroy the internet and all of the massive and vomit-spewing suppression it embodies.”

“Out beta test proved that we could knock out Spectrum broadcast signal in Clearwater. Now it’s time to turn the Hubbard Model 47 Spectrum Jammer up to 11 and block all internet signal across the entire planet!” cackled the Fleet Admiral.

David Miscavige Wardrobe Malfunction Leads to a Morals Charge; Big Pharma Behind the Plot!


“It’s not what it looks like,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “The Brigadier General was merely helping COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige with a wardrobe malfunction.”

“That this was escalated into a morals charge of public lewdness and the arrest of both men by the authorities in Barbados is a disgrace!” roared Delusion.

“Big Pharma was clearly behind this attempt to embarrass the world’s greatest ecclesiastical leader as he was being awarded the Velveeta Cheese Company’s Medal for Ease of Spreadability in the religious products sold by we in Scientology.”


Scientology Western Movie Storyboard. Opening Scenes

The movie opens with Sam the Scientologist, played by Tom Cruise, being ejected bodily from a saloon and hurled onto the dirty streets of Wogtown:


Scene 2: The bad guy “Imonda Internet” emerges from the saloon. A showdown on the dirty streets of Wogtown between Scientology and the Internet shapes up. This powerful metaphor between the forces of good (Scientology) and evil (The Internet) defines the existential struggle for Scientologists:


Message: Sam represents COB. Sam’s gun represents the IAS. The bullets in Sam’s gun and on his gun belt represent donations to the IAS. Thus, the movie’s central message is conveyed in the opening seconds of the film: Have you donated to the IAS to put bullets into Sam’s gun? Or are you a CICS dilettante?


The New Internet Only Freedom for Clears Rundown!


COB RTC David Miscavige Launches the Official Scientology Internet


COB’s enthusiastic staff cheers him on as he launches the official Scientology Internet by posting the video of his heroic 1993 speech “The War is Over.”

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige today launched the official Scientology internet by posting the video of his heroic 1993 speech “The War is Over.” In this triumphal speech, COB announced his singular victory over the diabolical and wholly suppressive Marcabian psych-implanters known as the IRS.

“Consisting of 239,716,220 pages of Scientology text and photos, ScienoNet is a fully-featured internet superior in every way to the wog internet,” declared Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “And with a monthly fee of only $795.00, ScienoNet offers every Scientologist 100% certainty they are reading a 100% safe and entheta-free internet.”

“With the launch of ScienoNet there is now, per COB’s ecclesiastical diktat, no reason for any Scientologist anywhere to use the filthy and degraded wog internet!,” said Delusion. “The lack of an official Scientology internet will no longer be accepted as an excuse in sec checks for surfing the wog internet!”

Delusion concluded by remarking, “The wog internet really is as vile and cockroach-infested as the Sea Org berthing at Flag — so stay away from it!”

Hosted by a powerful server in INCOMM, ScienoNet already has over 12,000,000 subscribers. Sign up today at your nearest Ideal Org!


The hyper-secure ScienoNet server tracks users online activity to keep them safe from entheta.


Windows 8 and Microsoft Declared Suppressive Persons by the Church of Scientology

Convinced by the slick PR lies of Microsoft, we in the Church of Scientology foolishly installed Windows 8 over our perfectly good Windows 7 OS.

We immediately realized that Windows 8 is an insane, overt, and suppressive product created by Nazi Psychiatrists bent on destroying the world.

Seriously, who except deranged Nazi Psychiatrists would get rid of the Start button and charms that make Windows 7 so easy to use?

And it only gets worse from there. Even the wog PC Magazine recognizes this fact.

Because the Church of Scientology and its front group CCHR have been so successful in exposing the deadly menace of Psych drugs, the Psychs have been losing ground in their efforts to drive the world into war, crime, and insanity by use of these toxic drugs. The Psychs have also been losing hundreds of billions of dollars in Psych drug sales due to Scientology and so needed to find a quick way to make people insane enough to start gulping down Psych drugs by the truckload once again.

Therefore, the Nazi Psychs went to their go to guy when they want to induce large scale torture, panic, and rage. We here speak of Bill Gates and his team of Marcab implanters at Microsoft.

Microsoft’s answer to implant sudden, high speed, terror, grief, and madness into the world population is Windows 8.

Windows 8 causes computer users to freewheel through their implants. Millions of computers users have already died and millions more have plunged into alternating bouts of unconsciousness, rage, and sobbing.

Tens of millions of people are pouring into Scientology Ideal Orgs to get auditing for the massive Psych engram laid in by the diabolically evil Windows 8 implanting operation.

The nasty piece of Psych deviltry called Windows 8 is harder to uninstall than the Helatrobus implant. Windows 8 is certain to do only one thing, and that is to cause an immediate trillion dollar surge in the sale of Psych drugs for all of the victims of Window 8 who are experiencing panic attacks and are in fullblown restim on Windows Vista.

Wholetrack Psych Implanter Bill Gates has been declared a Suppressive Person for unleashing Window 8 upon the unsuspecting innocent citizens of the world.

For the love of all that is good and holy, we in RTC urge all persons globally to not fall prey to the lies and blandishments of Microsoft and foolishly purchase a Windows 8 laptop or desktop on Black Friday. Factually, no one should ever purchase any Windows product ever again until Microsoft is clubbed like a baby seal and releases a patch for Windows 8 that restores Windows 7 functionality.

We in RTC call for all copies of Windows 8 everywhere to be burned and its creators to be imprisoned for billions of years in boiling oil where the music of Celine Dion is played night and day without surcease.

We in RTC therefore declare Bill Gates, Microsoft, and Windows 8 to be Suppressive Persons.

We are certain that wogs will agree with we in RTC on this particular SP Declare!