Generalissimo David Miscavige
Generalissimo David Miscavige of the Scientology Imperial War Department has declared war on Colombia.
“Generalissimo Miscavige was publicly humiliated by the Colombian people! And many have called his award a Medalla Falsa,” announced Scientology Minister of Disinformation Colonel Ken Delusion.
“The outrageous mocking of Generalissimo Miscavige will not be tolerated! Scientology has already sent its spy ship the MV Freewinds to Cartagena to scout the harbor and lay out plans for the larger invasion of Colombia by Scientology’s military forces.”
Complaining that there was not enough gold ornamentation on his stage set and that the video lacked color saturation, David Miscavige today fired everyone who worked for Scientology TV.
“COB is very demanding,” explained Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “He wants more gold and more color. He wants his stage set to look like the Ark of the Covenant and dazzle the viewer. Scientology TV didn’t deliver and so everyone was fired, beaten, and assigned the condition of Non-Existence.”
The latest technical research at Flag indicates that Scientologists are too overcharged to handle David Miscavige engrams in session. In 90% of cases, the e-meter blew up.
The correct handling is to gradiently audit smaller engrams such as
IAS fundraising cycles.
If IAS fundraising is too hot, then begin with Ideal Org ARC breaks.
If Ideal Orgs are also overcharged, then have pc touch the wall for a few thousand hours.
“After two years of work at a cost of $90 million USD, the MV Freewinds has been successfully lengthened to 402 meters (1,319 feet),” announced Captain Mike Napoleon.
“The ship will now be able to accommodate the more than 100,000 Scientologists expected to be granted eligibility for OT VIII in the next twelve months. This boom is a result of COB having created Scientology TV.”
“How does this glorified stuntman Tom Cruise get such monster stats for his stupid new movie?” asked David Miscavige. “Look at these stats! The opening weekend of Mission Impossible — Fallout is on track to rake in $135,000,000 globally!
“Christ on an e-meter!” screamed Miscavige, “I spent $100,000,000 and four years building an entire Scientology TV network and only have 26,943 suckass followers on Twitter after four months to show for all my work! What the hell is wrong? Who is sabotaging Scientology? Who is the who?”
“Sir,” said Ken Delusion, “Our RTC investigation has shown that the culprits behind Scientology’s suckass ratings are Scientologists themselves. These CICS DB’s are all counter-intentioned to you! Scientologists themselves are the criminals! You singlehandedly built these ingrates a television network and yet these SP’s can’t even be bothered to watch it because they’re too busy watching the new Mission Impossible!”
“Then declare everyone in the entire Church of Scientology an SP except for you and me!” COB ordered Delusion.
“Even Tom Cruise?”
“Especially Tom Cruise! Declare him an SP first! Cruise has committed the biggest crime ever and that is daring to upstage me with his oh-so-fancy new movie! Cruise didn’t even offer me a part or shoot a few scenes at Ideal Orgs! Tom Cruise treats me like chopped liver!” screamed COB.
“All Tom Cruise cares about these days is entertaining wogs, going on talk shows, and making money! And after all I’ve done to make him the movie star he is! Where is the thanks I get? Where?”
“It’s not what it looks like,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “The Brigadier General was merely helping COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige with a wardrobe malfunction.”
“That this was escalated into a morals charge of public lewdness and the arrest of both men by the authorities in Barbados is a disgrace!” roared Delusion.
“Big Pharma was clearly behind this attempt to embarrass the world’s greatest ecclesiastical leader as he was being awarded the Velveeta Cheese Company’s Medal for Ease of Spreadability in the religious products sold by we in Scientology.”