“Social welfare programs that give billions of dollars to poor people are bigoted and hateful because they discriminate against Scientologists,” declared the new STAND League Executive Director Mr. Ken Delusion.
“For too long Scientologists have carried the financially ruinous burden of auditing day and night to Clear this goddamned Planet,” said Delusion. “Well now it’s time for the US taxpayer to repay the debt they owe us by giving all Scientologists a 75% auditing subsidy in the form of cash payments to the Church of Scientology!”
“It’s a matter of fundamental fairness,” Delusion reasoned. “Scientologists hold the cans in long and grinding auditing sessions until their hands literally bleed; this in an effort to break the hold of the deadly R6 bank over every man, woman, and child on this agonized planet. We don’t need your thanks; but we do demand compensation for the Herculean spiritual labors we undertake on your behalf.”
Concerned members of Scientology’s Interfaith Coalition listen to Ed Parkin drone on interminably about how unfair life is to Scientology.
Scientology’s Ed Parkin droned on at length today to a group of equally dimwitted and boorish rented clergymen who were paid to listen.
“Wog clergyman are easy to dupe,” chuckled Parkin. “If we keep paying them money they’ll all go out and parrot what we in Scientology are saying about bigots and haters.”
“Ed Parkin is such an embarrassing jackass,” nattered Ken Delusion about the ghastly wraith-like leader of the STAND League. “However, we in OSA have to scrape the bottom of the barrel these days. He’s the best we have.”
Image by Mark
We in the Scientology Office of Special Affairs have disguised our low IQ colleague Ed Parkin as Mr. Peanut. We have done this because the real Mr. Peanut attacked the Church of Scientology during last weekend’s Super Bowl Twitter insanity.
Only haters and bigots fueled by Psych drugs would attack Scientology which is humanity’s only hope of salvation.
Therefore, while disguised as Mr. Peanut, we will have Ed commit various crimes for which the real Mr. Peanut will be arrested and imprisoned. We in Scientology are not the police but we are slowly teaching the unholy a lesson: Fuck with us and we will destroy you.