Tag Archives: Church of Spiritual Technology

Emergency Funding Needed by Scientology to Prevent the “Henry Bemis Scenario”


Scientology’s ultra-secret Church of Spiritual Technology has spent hundreds of millions of dollars constructing nuclear-proof underground vaults to protect the works of the Founder. When Armageddon occurs the survivors will be able to read and hear the written and spoken words of the Founder.

But what happens in the “Henry Bemis Scenario” when a survivor of Armageddon accidentally breaks his or her eyeglasses or begins to lose their hearing? If this happens — and it will happen following Armageddon — then Scientology’s Tech cannot go forward and will die! All will be lost!

To prevent the tragic Henry Bemis Scenario, we in the Church of Scientology are on an emergency fundraise with a goal of $250,000,000 USD.

These monies will be used to build robotic optometry and hearing aid facilities at all CST vaults. Only by doing this can we guarantee the future survival of Scientology.

Tom Cruise’s Escape from Scientology Thwarted by OSA Special Forces!

Tom Cruise yesterday tried to escape from Scientology’s ultra-secret compound in Trementina, New Mexico. The 55 year old actor bolted from his cell, ran across the tarmac, and grabbed onto the side fuselage door of a departing Scientology Airbus A400M.

A pair of RTC x-wing fighters belonging to OSA Special Forces Air Wing #9 were scrambled. The lead x-wing zapped Tom Cruise with a tractor beam and hauled him back to Trementina Base. Cruise is now undergoing extensive security checking in an ecclesiastical reform center. The actor is obviously harboring evil purposes to destroy Scientology and COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige. We in RTC will find Tom Cruise’s crimes. Let this serve as a lesson to anyone Scientologist who is thinking of escaping: Scientology will capture and punish you!


Delusion Reveals the WHY for Why Scientology Media Productions Is Not Broadcasting

“By actual survey, Scientology parishioners are asking the WHY for why Scientology Media Productions is not broadcasting,” said spokesman Ken Delusion. “More than a few Scientologists have noted that Leah Remini has been able to broadcast an entheta show week after week — and even win an Emmy — while SMP sits idly by and does nothing about it, this despite Scientology’s motto that ‘Something Can Be Done About It.'”

“The answer is that the CST Deep Space Antenna Array in New Mexico has not yet received signal from the Founder on Target Two authorizing SMP to begin broadcasting.”

“An obscure clause in the Founder’s last will and testament requires his direct permission by Telex radio communication from T2 before ‘any Scientology entity may broadcast tele-vision or radio waves containing copyrighted Scientology content into the public airwaves.'”

“T2 is many light years away. SMP expects to get operational authorization from T2 in about 25,000 years,” Delusion noted. “And when we get that authorization, the station is ready to flip a switch and begin broadcasting. Until then, there are COB events and LRH Congresses to listen to for the next 25,000 years.”

Announcing the New Church of Spiritual Technology Visitor Centers

Dave.in.Prison“It can all be summed up in two words,” declared Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion, “COB cares.”

“Indeed, COB cares so very, very much that he recently and fully surveyed the decaying state of the world.”

“COB’s survey included reading a few leading newspapers and magazines. COB’s survey also spanned the IAS membership gamut from the staggeringly all-important OT celebrities in glittering Hollywood to those dirty and unwashed Sea Org swampers living in strange and hostile countries such as Ireland.”

“What emerged from COB’s assessment of  world conditions,” Delusion announced, “is that the world is in dire peril and could, and quite literally so, end at any moment.”

UFO“Whether the world ends due to invaders from outer space, disease, or a madman pushing a button does not matter,” Delusion noted. “What matters is that the Church of Scientology  handle Armageddon now.”

“And so in view of this great planetary emergency, COB has ordered all Ideal Orgs immediately be converted into CST Vaults; this so that the Tech will be preserved no matter what.”

bank-vault“And indeed,” Delusion emphasized, “The Ideal Orgs these days have essentially become CST Vaults: Empty and full of pristine, untouched, unused, and well-preserved copies of the Tech.”

reception-church-of-scientology-inglewood“Manned by skeleton crews, visitors are seldom if ever seen in the Ideal Orgs — and on those very rare occasions when a visitor does appear, staff are invariably startled and shaken from their somnolence.”

“Ideal Org staff already have, essentially, the CST duties of maintaining empty Tech archives. Therefore, as no staff retraining is needed, it made sense to COB to encase the Ideal Orgs in concrete and steel and re-purpose them for use as new sites within the global network of CST Vaults.”

“However, there will be one key difference.,” Delusion remarked. “Unlike the current CST Vaults which are impregnable fortresses, COB will permit qualified, pre-screened, and sec-checked visitors into the new archival sites.”

Tajikistan“COB is proud to announce  his latest program for planetary salvage in the face of Armageddon: The stately CST Visitor Centers. Self-guided tours are available from 1:oo-3:00 PM Monday-Thursday.”

“Included in each of  the new CST Visitor Centers is an exact replica of an actual Scientology Org. Plan ahead and reserve a headset for the self-guided tour. A visitor fee of $22,935 is required. Included in this fee is the mandatory 12.5 hour sec check intensive. Visitors will be billed if additional sec check intensives are needed.”

DM.117“In other news, COB will be re-re-re-re-grand-opening Flag, CCI, PAC  Base, and St. Hill as Scientology Monasteries.”

“And so it goes without saying,” Delusion summarized by way of concluding, “that donations are urgently needed to renovate and upgrade these dingy and shopworn old buildings and turn them into Ideal Scientology Monasteries.”