Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman. Inspector General of the Scientology Office of Ideological Purity and Enforcement.
Just as Trotskyite wreckers and diversionists were a threat to the worker’s revolution in Russia, so too are Psych wreckers and diversionists who traffick in reasonableness a threat to Scientology’s noble aim of Planetary Clearing.
Even now sinister forces of criminal joking and degrading are at work to diminish the success of Scientology TV. This felonious jocularity maintains that Scientology TV and COB are both abysmal failures fit only to be tossed onto the trash heap of cultic history along with visionaries such as Herbert W. Armstrong, Charles Taze Russell, and Mary Baker Eddy. But the statistics show otherwise. With over 1,500 new viewers, COB’s $100 million investment in Scientology TV has been fully vindicated.
The Psychs howl and scream as their revenues collapse under the onslaught of Scientology TV and the surging and unstoppable tide of Ideal Orgs. The opposition and slander against COB and Scientology’s fully ideal scene is a tangled web of calumnies that all trace back to the nonsense of evolution, Freud, and the idea that Man is only his brain and that death extinguishes the thetan forever and ever. Yet the unassailable scientific evidence adduced by the e-meter clearly shows thetans have been around this universe for four quadrillion years and that Tom Cruise’s toothy grin is the result of astonishingly bad dental work made amazingly workable by the technologies of Dianetics and Scientology.
The Scientologist is to flourish and prosper in the face of entheta. And what is the full measure and proof of flourishing and prosperity except to increase one’s IAS Patron status? The IAS is the glorious Scientology revolution against the vicious Psych gestalt which holds thetans in its iron grip of electroshock, lobotomies, and the decadence of popular music and pornography! Rise up today and donate to the IAS!
“Scientologist and IAS Patron Mega Chromium Excelsis Irma Jean Dinwiddie of Clearwater has become the world’s first OT X completion,” announced Snr C/S Int Davis Jackinoff.
“Following Irma Jean’s completion of OT X, we at Flag had her cryogenically frozen in RTC Freezer Unit 2 at Trementina Base. All OT X completions will be frozen in this same way. OT X’s will only be unfrozen and reanimated when the planet is stable enough to handle their power.”
“Captain David Miscavige has stated that this means there must be 10,000 people up and onto SOLO NOT’s before the OT X’s can be unleashed upon the world. If you are not on SOLO NOT’s you need to get onto the level as soon as possible to save the planet from thermonuclear Armageddon!” declared Snr C/S INT.
COB learns the hard way that wog lawyers only love him so long as the checks keep rolling in:
“When applied standardly to kneecaps, elbows, or heads, the patented new RTC sec checking sledge hammer increases confessions 4700x,” declared CO OSA Inquisitions Captain Stayta Kleer.
“The new Ultra Mark VIII meter circuitry is engineered into the RTC sec checking sledge hammer to give 50,000x faster reads on withholds and crimes.”
“The perfect Christmas gift for any Ethics Officer, the RTC sec checking sledge hammer was piloted by COB RTC David Miscavige and AOLA MAA Julian Smashface. And best of all, because it’s dishwasher safe, pc blood washes off quickly and easily!”
“Priced at only $7995, COB has ordered every Church of Scientology Org, Mission, and social betterment group in the world to have at least ten RTC sec checking sledge hammers in stock for use on theetie-wheetie dilettantes, those who are under the radar reading the internet, and on all CICS who refuse to donate for their next higher IAS Patron Status!”