Tag Archives: Kelly Preston

Travolta Marathon on Scientology TV This Weekend!


“Widely savaged by wog film critics as the worst mobster film ever, John Travolta’s Gotti has been yanked from theaters and will be released tomorrow on Scientology TV,” announced Ken Delusion, the newly appointed VP of SMP.

“John Travolta’s schmacting, Kelly Preston’s painful overacting, and the general horribleness of the film complements Battlefield Earth splendidly,” gushed Delusion. “This weekend’s Travolta Marathon on Scientology TV will be epic!”

Jenna Elfman the New Face of Squatty Potty

Jenna.Squatty

Following the sudden firing of Kathy Griffin, Jenna Elfman has been hired as the new face of Squatty Potty.

“This relief couldn’t come at a better time for Jenna,” said VP Ken Delusion of Scientology Media Productions. “Imaginary Mary went ‘plop’ and almost killed Jenna’s career.”

“Jenna’s agent negotiated a great deal with Squatty Potty that gives her back end participation plus residuals,” Delusion noted. “We at SMP are glad to see Jenna back to work.”

“And now if Anne Archer and Kelly Preston can win the coveted mother and daughter roles for the new Stairlift ad campaign, then we’ll have three top Scientology New OTVIII’s positioned very well with the middle class concerns of bowel movements and growing old.”

Anne.Kelly

The Scientology E-Metermobile Is Coming to Your City!

Metermobile

“The Church of Scientology E-Metermobile is coming to your city soon!” enthused Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Captain Miscavige and OT Tom Cruise will kickoff the 200 city E-Metermobile Scientology Goodwill Ambassador tour in Clearwater, Florida this weekend!  The two most dedicated Scientologists on the planet will be visiting county fairs, malls, parks, and other venues as Scientology Goodwill Ambassadors!”

“Our newest OTVIII Kirstie Alley, who just returned from the ship, is kicking off the action in Los Angeles at PAC Base! Be there to hear about Kirstie’s wins on OTVIII and help yourself to the free pizza, music, and even a 1960’s-style Watusi dance contest!”

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“OT John Travolta and his lovely 2D OT Kelly Preston will launch the E-Metermobile tour from the Ideal Org in New York City. Be sure to be there for the free pizza and the Jive Aces concert!”

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“The message these Scientology Goodwill Ambassadors are spreading is simple: ‘Don’t believe the lies! Don’t watch the HBO hate show on Scientology! Come into an Org, sign a few simple contracts, pay us $360,000, and find about Scientology for yourself!”