“Widely savaged by wog film critics as the worst mobster film ever, John Travolta’s Gotti has been yanked from theaters and will be released tomorrow on Scientology TV,” announced Ken Delusion, the newly appointed VP of SMP.
“John Travolta’s schmacting, Kelly Preston’s painful overacting, and the general horribleness of the film complements Battlefield Earth splendidly,” gushed Delusion. “This weekend’s Travolta Marathon on Scientology TV will be epic!”
Following the sudden firing of Kathy Griffin, Jenna Elfman has been hired as the new face of Squatty Potty.
“This relief couldn’t come at a better time for Jenna,” said VP Ken Delusion of Scientology Media Productions. “Imaginary Mary went ‘plop’ and almost killed Jenna’s career.”
“Jenna’s agent negotiated a great deal with Squatty Potty that gives her back end participation plus residuals,” Delusion noted. “We at SMP are glad to see Jenna back to work.”
“And now if Anne Archer and Kelly Preston can win the coveted mother and daughter roles for the new Stairlift ad campaign, then we’ll have three top Scientology New OTVIII’s positioned very well with the middle class concerns of bowel movements and growing old.”