Tag Archives: David Micavige

Mark Zuckerberg Apologizes to Scientology; Promises to Delete all Entheta on Scientology from Facebook

“Following a closed-door Serious Reality Adjustment Session with Scientology Pontiff David Miscavige and his ecclesiastical lawyers, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg publicly apologized to the Church of Scientology,” announced Ted Torquemada, the Chief Inquisitor of the Scientology religion.

“Mr. Zuckerberg’s change of heart, his repentance, and his promise to purge all entheta and Black PR about Scientology on Facebook was helped by the fact that a group of twelve very dedicated Russian Scientologists did some digging and found certain very unsavory information on Mr. Zuckerberg’s private habits and secret associates in what is clearly the Facebook Cartel.”

“For their dedicated work,” said Ted Torquemada, “the following Russian Scientologists in the Main Intelligence Directorate of the General Staff (Unit 74555) are very highly commended and have each received a one million dollar cash bonus from COB:

Mikhail Bystrov
Mikhail Burchik
Aleksandra Krylova
Anna Bogacheva
Sergey Polozov
Maria Bovda
Robert Bovda
Dzheykhun Ogly
Vadim Podkopaev
Gleb Vasilchenko
Irina Kaverzina
Vladimir Venkov

“Twitter be handled next by Unit 74555,” Ted Torquemada darkly intoned. “Jack Dorsey has certain… predilections… that would harm Twitter’s stock if this information came to light.”

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Christmas Greetings from Scientology Supreme Leader David Miscavige

Scientology missions form a vital link in the chain of Planetary Clearing!

Phoenix

“Well sir the Phoenix Mission here was booming back in the old days,” said mission holder Bud Turlock. “But then they was that ter-nady what swept up from Oklahoma and washed out the dirt road and knocked down the power lines.

“The county won’t bulldoze me a new road and I ain’t got no money to do it myself cause I had to sell my bulldozer to pay for new dentures, a Basics library for the mission, and whatnot and so forth. And then they put in that big flashy Indian casino down the road and people would rather go thar and get liquored up and gamble. Hell, some nights I go down thar and get liquored real good up seein’ as nuthin’ much happens here at the mission since the was road washed out. Had some fellers come by from the Jay-hovah’s Witnesses church over there in Gila Bend awhile back but I done run ’em off.

COB’s supposed to boom the missions and Orgs when SMP goes live on the tee-vee next month.”