Tag Archives: 000

Archeo-Scientologists Discover an Intact 75-Million Year Old Spaceplane!

Just as the discovery of 50,000 year old fossilized e-meter shocked the world and proved the antiquity of Scientology, the latest discovery by Dr. Ken Delusion’s team of Archeo-Scientologists is guaranteed to stun the world!

After using hundreds of bulldozers and over a million tons of dynamite to clear cut over one million acres of pristine Andean rain forest, Dr. Delusion and his team today discovered an intact DC-8 spaceplane that crash-landed 75,000,000 years ago near one of the principal volcanoes of Earth.

“This is huge. Just huge,” exclaimed Dr. Delusion. “The haters mock Scientology over claims that (redacted) kidnapped trillions of people on other planets 75,000,000 years ago and dumped them into the volcanoes of Earth — which was then called Teegeeack — but our discovery of the DC-8 spaceplane proves Incident II of OT III actually happened!”

“Archeo-Scientology has far exceeded anything the Mormons have produced in their dubious archeological attempts to prove that Jesus was in North America preaching to New World Jews.”

“Yeah, right,” sniffed Dr. Delusion. “A blonde-haired, blue-eyed, white-skinned Jesus flew over from Jerusalem on El Al and preached to Jewish Incas. The guy would’ve needed a lot of sunscreen along the equator. Whatever. I don’t care so long as the Mormons let we in Scientology keep our money in their Zions Bank to conceal, err, protect it.” In related news, the Nation of Islam has applauded the work and opinions of Dr. Delusion and his team of highly trained Archeo-Scientologists.

Why the Church of Scientology Full Page Ads Attacking Alex Gibney Failed

techThe full-page ads failed miserably.


We in RTC conducted brutal all-night sec checks on OSA personnel and have obtained the following confession. We are making this confession public for all members in good standing of the Church of Scientology.

OSA Public Confession

Yesterday, we in the Church of Scientology Office of Special Affairs (OSA) caused to be placed full-page ads in the New York Times and the Los Angeles Times.

captain-david-miscavigeCaptain David Miscavige had nothing to do with these ads. He was traveling in his capacity as a global ecclesiastical leader to the hotspots of the world.

Captain Miscavige brought calm to the scene and restored order by assuring the peoples of these lands that something can be done about it, namely a $360,000 auditing cycle delivered standardly in an Ideal Org.

Adding up all of the monies and personnel expended in our efforts to place these ads, we in OSA wasted $750,000,000 of Church monies in our effort to expose and attack the Psych-funded Alex Gibney and the CIA front group HBO.

These ads failed and caused the Church of Scientology and Captain Miscavige to be brought into disrepute. We in OSA hereby confess our hidden wholetrack crimes and evil purposes to put sabotage on Captain Miscavige’s lines.


OSA.RecruitingThe ads failed because we in OSA were counter-intentioned to Captain Miscavige and allowed semicolons, bullet points, and a decidedly creepy and lurid pseudo-intellectual prose to be placed into the ads.

We fell into a criminal tabloid valence and came off looking like idiots and brought mockery upon the Church and Captain Miscavige. We are Suppressive Persons (SP’s) in every sense of the term.

We in OSA admit  and confess that we were sent in by the Psychs to destroy Scientology organizations. Had not Captain Miscavige detected and stopped our criminal activities and wholetrack reign of terror we would have continued to destroy Scientology organizations from deep within.

Captain Miscavige will now have to step in and take over the Alex Gibney-HBO cycle and make it go right. But isn’t this always the case? Doesn’t Captain Miscavige always have to step in and make it go right because he is the only one who can actually get anything done? Yes, that is the case.

We in OSA, as a group, have signed papers indicating our desire to be given a second chance by voluntarily entering the Rehabilitation Project Force (RPF). We enter the RPF of our own free will and thank Captain Miscavige for this second chance. We hope that years, or decades, or hard labor and grinding daily sec checks will purify us as thetans.