Tag Archives: toilet paper

Church of Scientology to Install Toilet Paper Dispensers in Ideal Orgs

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In response to a recent survey of Scientology parishioners, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered all Ideal Orgs to install for-pay toilet paper dispensers. This will allow Scientologists to purchase either coarse of fine grade sheets of toilet paper.

“For the Church of Scientology to just give toilet paper away for free would be completely out exchange,” explained Ken Delusion, Executive Director of Bowel Movementology.  “And so COB decided to offer coarse and fine grades of toilet paper. The fine grade toilet paper is “highly deluxe movie star grade toilet paper” and obviously costs a small fortune. This is the stuff Tom Cruise uses.”

“The coarse grade stuff is an economy tissue we purchase from Bulgravia. Made from recycled asphalt dyed white, it is rough but much cheaper. It is perfect for downstat Scientologists who lack the wherewithal and reach to afford the fine toilet paper.”

Fleet Admiral David Miscavige Explains Scientology and Toilet Paper

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Scientology Fleet Admiral David Miscavige took the airwaves today to explain Scientology and toilet paper.

Broadcasting live from The Scientology Channel (channel 5,078 on Time Warner cable), Fleet Admiral Miscavige opened by citing surveys which show that fully 97.5% of complaints from Scientologists focused solely on the complete absence of toilet paper in all 5,111,972 Scientology restrooms.

“The absence of toilet paper in Scientology restrooms is based upon KRC (Keeping Restrooms Clean) and Scientology’s doctrine of exchange,” explained the Fleet Admiral.

“Per our standard Scientology Ecclesiastical Restroom Release contract that everyone must sign, end users agree that we in the Church of Scientology are willing to meet them halfway: We provide clean restrooms but you must BYOTPBring Your Own Toilet Paper.”

“It is out exchange for anyone to expect we in the Church of Scientology to pay for 100% of the total restroom experience,” emphasized the Fleet Admiral.  “Scientology now has eleventy billion members worldwide. If we had to pay for toilet paper for that many people it would cost over one billion dollars per day.”

“That money is better spent funding vital planetary-changing programs such as printing millions and millions of copies of The Way to Happiness. And so that is why we in the Church of Scientology take responsibility for building and  cleaning restrooms while demanding end users take responsibility for BYOTP.”

“Nevertheless, the last thing we wish to do is leave you stranded and damp or soggy on the bowl between sessions or courses,” remarked the Fleet Admiral. “Whereupon, all Scientology toilet stalls are equipped with emergency toilet rolls. In the event  of an ‘Out BYOTP’ situation, end users may use the emergency roll. However, there is a charge of $1095 to do so. An Ethics handling is also required to correct the Out BYOTP situation.”

ETR

KRC
1. Having the correct technology of restroom cleaning.
2. Knowing the technology of restroom cleaning.
3. Knowing it is correct.
4. Teaching correctly the correct technology of restroom cleaning.
5. Applying the technology of restroom cleaning.
6. Seeing that the technology restroom cleaning is correctly applied.
7. Hammering out of existence incorrect technology of restroom cleaning.
8. Knocking out incorrect applications of restroom cleaning.
9. Closing the door on any possibility of incorrect technology of restroom cleaning.
10. Bring Your Own Toilet Paper

Per COB Directive 9181:D “Men’s Room Etiquette in Ideal Orgs” Men may not use a “wide stance” in any restroom stall, this to avoid the appearance of 1.1 cruising as happened with former US Senator Larry Craig.