Tag Archives: toilet paper

Scientology, Toilet Paper, and Electricity

We in the Religious Technology Center are busy, busy, busy handling planetary emergencies. We sometimes even have to handle off-planet emergencies, e.g. the Implanters Union #47 is on strike again at the Mars implanting stations. What’s wrong with those fuckers? Ten cents an hour is all we in Scientology pay anybody except for our wog lawyers. If the Martian implanters don’t like it they can go work for some other religion. What’s that you say? No other religion uses implanters? Well then it looks like you’ll have to take our deal or starve!

Being so busy, we in RTC are sick and tired of hearing this same complaint over and over from Scientology Orgs:

Your local IDEAL Scientology org has an even more critical emergency!! It’s the “we sent all our income to COB so now we can’t pay the utility bills, and can’t even pay for toilet paper” emergency!!

Why do staff members at downstat Orgs constantly whine about having no electricity and no toilet paper? The fact is that your lack of havingness is because you pulled it in due to LOW OR NO PRODUCTION! It’s right there in policy! It’s not our job in RTC to see that your asses are wiped or that you have electricity so stop with the hat dumping! It’s your job to MAKE IT GO RIGHT! No more  nattering or you will be beaten!

The STPE Triangle clearly shows that production is what makes it all happen. If Scientology staff members want auditing, toilet paper, and electricity then they need to produce and bring in money. In other words, “Coffee is for closers!”


Church of Scientology to Install Toilet Paper Dispensers in Ideal Orgs


In response to a recent survey of Scientology parishioners, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered all Ideal Orgs to install for-pay toilet paper dispensers. This will allow Scientologists to purchase either coarse of fine grade sheets of toilet paper.

“For the Church of Scientology to just give toilet paper away for free would be completely out exchange,” explained Ken Delusion, Executive Director of Bowel Movementology.  “And so COB decided to offer coarse and fine grades of toilet paper. The fine grade toilet paper is “highly deluxe movie star grade toilet paper” and obviously costs a small fortune. This is the stuff Tom Cruise uses.”

“The coarse grade stuff is an economy tissue we purchase from Bulgravia. Made from recycled asphalt dyed white, it is rough but much cheaper. It is perfect for downstat Scientologists who lack the wherewithal and reach to afford the fine toilet paper.”

Fleet Admiral David Miscavige Explains Scientology and Toilet Paper


Scientology Fleet Admiral David Miscavige took the airwaves today to explain Scientology and toilet paper.

Broadcasting live from The Scientology Channel (channel 5,078 on Time Warner cable), Fleet Admiral Miscavige opened by citing surveys which show that fully 97.5% of complaints from Scientologists focused solely on the complete absence of toilet paper in all 5,111,972 Scientology restrooms.

“The absence of toilet paper in Scientology restrooms is based upon KRC (Keeping Restrooms Clean) and Scientology’s doctrine of exchange,” explained the Fleet Admiral.

“Per our standard Scientology Ecclesiastical Restroom Release contract that everyone must sign, end users agree that we in the Church of Scientology are willing to meet them halfway: We provide clean restrooms but you must BYOTPBring Your Own Toilet Paper.”

“It is out exchange for anyone to expect we in the Church of Scientology to pay for 100% of the total restroom experience,” emphasized the Fleet Admiral.  “Scientology now has eleventy billion members worldwide. If we had to pay for toilet paper for that many people it would cost over one billion dollars per day.”

“That money is better spent funding vital planetary-changing programs such as printing millions and millions of copies of The Way to Happiness. And so that is why we in the Church of Scientology take responsibility for building and  cleaning restrooms while demanding end users take responsibility for BYOTP.”

“Nevertheless, the last thing we wish to do is leave you stranded and damp or soggy on the bowl between sessions or courses,” remarked the Fleet Admiral. “Whereupon, all Scientology toilet stalls are equipped with emergency toilet rolls. In the event  of an ‘Out BYOTP’ situation, end users may use the emergency roll. However, there is a charge of $1095 to do so. An Ethics handling is also required to correct the Out BYOTP situation.”


1. Having the correct technology of restroom cleaning.
2. Knowing the technology of restroom cleaning.
3. Knowing it is correct.
4. Teaching correctly the correct technology of restroom cleaning.
5. Applying the technology of restroom cleaning.
6. Seeing that the technology restroom cleaning is correctly applied.
7. Hammering out of existence incorrect technology of restroom cleaning.
8. Knocking out incorrect applications of restroom cleaning.
9. Closing the door on any possibility of incorrect technology of restroom cleaning.
10. Bring Your Own Toilet Paper

Per COB Directive 9181:D “Men’s Room Etiquette in Ideal Orgs” Men may not use a “wide stance” in any restroom stall, this to avoid the appearance of 1.1 cruising as happened with former US Senator Larry Craig.