Tag Archives: Reza Aslan

Scientology Media Productions Sitcom: Cafe in Portland

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Cafe in Portland, Episode 1: Being unemployable anywhere else, Reza Aslan signs a 2.5 year contract to work at the cafe in Scientology’s Portland Ideal Org. Joining him there is the equally unemployable Jennifer Lankheim. Comedy ensues on episode one when Reza serves human brain soup to Scientologists who discover their affinity for cannibalism and eagerly devour the tasty treat they call “Wogbrain soup.” Jennifer meanwhile writes a long hand-wringing letter to Freedom asking for her old job back. John Sugg reads her letter, laughs, and throws it in trash.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 2: After Reza Aslan is severely beaten and RPF’d for massively crashing the stats in the cafe, Sea Org member Cristin Woodruff is fired off on a mission to handle the situation. Cristin uses the exact LRH tech to conduct a why-finding for the statcrash. After hundreds of hours of sec-checking local Scientologists, Cristin finds the WHO responsible for the statcrash: Leah. SMP and OSA then comically spend $5,000,000 to make a series of butthurt videos about how Leah caused the cafe to fail.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 3: After donuts, pastries, and cakes begin to disappear from the cafe, IJC Mike Ellis is sec checked. He denies everything but his rockslamming on the meter tells a different story. Things take an ugly turn when MAA Julian Swartz shows up in Portland to handle the IJC.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 4: Shannon Burwell explains why she wrote the KR’s on Mike Ellis after she observed him hiding in the walk in freezer eating pies and cakes while crying and sobbing to himself about how everyone hates him. Shannon then discusses why she is so broke that she has a GoFundMe page to raise $1200 for art supplies for her child’s private school.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 5: A party after Penny Atwell Jones and COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige use the technology of GAT II to boom the stats of the cafe to highest evers. But suddenly Nancy the barista (played by Jenna Elfman) discovers false reporting by, you guessed it, Reza Aslan. It seems that Reza, after doing lowers, had talked his way back into the cafe. Comedy ensues as COB flips his wig and makes Reza lick the bathroom floors in the cafe with his tongue. Reza thinks it’s a degrading and humiliating ritual but does it anyway because he alone is so soulful that he can see the beauty even in horrific religious practices.

Church of Scientology to Purchase ISIS Oil

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In order to ensure a supply of cheap gasoline to Scientology’s Ideal Org gas stations and mini-marts, Imam David Miscavige recently traveled to Syria and negotiated an oil deal with ISIS for $20 per barrel gasoline.

“The MV Freewinds is being converted into a gasoline tanker as we speak,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Moreover, COB has purchased a fleet of Panamanian-flagged tankers from ship-breaking yards in Alang, India.”

“Because these ships were destined to be broken up and scrapped, COB was able to purchase them for a bargain. With a few million man-hours of Sea Org labor, these ships will be ferrying ISIS gasoline to Scientology service stations in a matter of months.”

Religious scholar Reza Aslan has applauded the Scientology-ISIS cooperation as, “a milestone in modern ecumenical relations.”