“The Scientology Beekeepers Convention on the Freewinds was held in Aruba last week on the ship,” explained Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Some nosy wog on a nearby cruise ship filmed the Scientology beekeepers leaving the ship at night and said they were a HazMat team. Rumors then quickly spread on social media that the Freewinds had been struck by some deadly virus.”

“This is all so ridiculous,” Delusion complained. “The Scientology beekeepers left at night to catch a late flight back to their Scientology Organic Honey Farm in Ohio. The beekeepers were taken off the ship by a dockside lift so as not to disturb their fellow Scientologists who were sleeping. That’s all.”

When asked why the Freewinds has been docked for over a year and has not sailed, Delusion commented that the Freewinds has no money for fuel. He added that the ship’s engine has a broken crankshaft and blown piston seals. Further, Delusion noted, legions of rodents had gotten aboard the ship and are now chewing up all of the electrical wiring.

“In addition to these MEST and MONEY present time problems, morale on the Freewinds remains at an all time low. The crew has been on rice and beans for over a year and there are only two working toilets on the Freewinds.”

“Please send the Freewinds money,” begged Captain Mike Napier. “We are very downstat and stuck in our collective 3rd dynamic ruin as a crew.”