“There is no such thing as the Coronavirus,” Tom Cruise announced from the Scientology Science Institute in Los Angeles. “The Coronavirus hoax is a George Soros-Psychiatry funded mob hit designed to destroy Scientology’s income and thereby force Scientology into bankruptcy.”

“There’s not even a blood test for Coronavirus,” Cruise bitterly complained. “Instead, the Psychs created some phony test using a long Q-Tip thing to ‘swab for the virus.’ What a joke! All they’re doing is swabbing snot and lying to people! And let me tell you this: Viruses don’t exist! Scientology disproved the germ theory of disease a long time ago. All diseases are caused by PTSness. Everyone knows that!”

“What Dave Miscavige and I spotted during our recent investigation is that George Soros and Psychiatry wickedly waited until Scientology had opened its 15,178 new Ideal Orgs, the Super Power Building, Scientology Media Productions, and Scientology TV to launch this fake Coronavirus.”

“Scientology TV was ready to reach billions of people with the real story of Scientology — and not some concocted narrative about how Dave Miscavige beats people and how Scientology is a destructive, greedy, and violent transnational criminal syndicate.”

“George Soros and his Psych pals in Switzerland who run Big Pharma make trillions of dollars per year peddling dangerous drugs like antibiotics and vaccines. They can’t afford to have Scientology’s technology put them out of business literally overnight,” said Cruise. “And then there’s the CIA. Those bastards have been wanting to get their hands on Scientology’s remote viewing technology since the 1970’s. The CIA is on this Coronavirus hoax too.”

“I vow to personally destroy Psychiatry and Big Pharma right after fundraising has been completed to renovate the Great Hall of Exact Knowledge in Clearwater,” the actor stated. “So we’re probably looking at 2030, somewhere around that time frame, given how donations have ground to a halt.”