After admitting to having faked his own death in 1986 in order to devote more time to his upper level researches, L. Ron Hubbard today filed a civil action in a New York City courtroom seeking to wrest control of Scientology from David Miscavige.

“I never appointed David Miscavige to manage Scientology organizations. And, uhh, quite frankly he has made a dog’s breakfast out of the Church. I need to step back in as ED/Int, dissolve CST and RTC, and send David to the RPF’s RPF for the rest of his life.”

Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion commented that he wasn’t sure how Church lawyers would proceed. “Mr. Hubbard was the Founder of the religion. However, he was never technically a member. LRH never signed any membership contracts or waivers agreeing to submit to our binding ecclesiastical arbitration process. We can’t force Ron into arbitration on this one.”

Delusion offered a rare insight into the world of Scientology when he noted this bit of arcana: “While CST has provisions in place to turn the Church back over to a reincarnated L. Ron Hubbard after he correctly answers the three secret questions, we have no provision for what to do given the return of our 109-year-old Founder. We actually thought he’d died and moved on to Target 2.”

“COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige refuses to turn over the Church to Ron and vows to fight no matter what the cost,” Delusion noted. “This includes Mr. Miscavige ordering OSA to do a full Black PR campaign on Ron. We’re talking hate websites and videos, the whole enchilada. COB has all of Ron’s pc folders; this thing is going to get ugly real fast if Ron goes ahead with his lawsuit.”