“Due to the extreme global statcrash in Scientology’s gross income brought about by a certain suppressive television show, Ron’s 2018 birthday event will be held at Dwayne and Helen Schuman’s home in Van Nuys,” announced Dr. Frank Wonderman. “Tickets are $155 each. Please RSVP to Dwayne and Helen by March 1 so they can order sufficient cakes and pies from Theta Catering Services.”
Dr. Frank Wonderman. Supreme Scientology Finance Dictator
“As the newly-appointed Supreme Scientology Finance Dictator, I must implement harsh austerity measures such as this,” Dr. Wonderman stated. “COB has further decreed that wasting lavish sums of money each year dramatizing Ron’s birthday is now out ethics in Scientology’s dire time of poverty.”
“COB has also announced a new monthly IAS donation plan to enable all of the dragass downstat publics in the field to give a little something each month. This monthly plan is being done to allow these DB’s to keep their exchange in with the Church.”
Categories: OTVIIIisGrrr8!
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 
Well, those scrabbly-ass downstats have to be kept in line somehow!
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Da! I’ve been wondering where ol’ “Nikki” Wonderman’s been lately; I thought he might’ve gotten caught-up debating COB as to the merits of the old Socialist realism e-meter, vs. its sleeker HGC counterpart. When last seen, he was banging his shoe on COB’s IAS Gala podium, railing about decadent slacker imperialist stat lackeys…
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Once again COB has shown his wisdom in ensuring that Scientology has sufficient financial resources to perform the most important functions of a major world religion.
Namely, possession of sufficient funds to undertake the essential ecclesiastical rituals of paying lawyers and private investigators, without whom the faith would founder.
“Anyway who was this L Ron Haddock fellow?” Captain Miscavige mused. “Was he really important enough to warrant extravagant birthday celebrations? Scientology, c’est moi!” he chuckled, impressing himself with his vast knowledge of foreign tongues.
After several more sips of the amber liquid a feeling of benevolence overcame his fiscal restraint. “Balloons – we must have balloons. I authorize the purchase of at least twenty balloons! Charge it to the Schuman’s account.”
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Ron gets at least twenty balloons for his birthday! Ron recieved the news on Target Two and reported back that he was feeling very insouciant due to COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige’s exceeding generosity. Ron also asked that 1,000 cartons of Kool cigarettes be sent to him on the next Scientology rocketship.
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Money is so scarce that COB can no longer afford to send dildos to SP women!!
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While money is tight, COB has received a very generous IAS grant in order that the flow of Ecclesiastical Dildos to SP’s not be interrupted. Dildo-bombing SP’s is a vital Scientology Justice action. COB also gets off on it.
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The Schuman’s will no doubt host a fine birthday party for the Founder. Their house is perfectly laid out so that no one can exit without a friendly chat with an IAS reg. Those over large venues like the Shrine and Palladium made it so easy for some out ethics Scientologists to sneak out. This will certainly put a stop to that. No one should get a free piece of caek. This is Scientology, not some WOG charity event.
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The large three-car garage of the Schuman home was long ago converted into what some might call a dungeon. However, it is actually a totally Theta soundproof and escape-proof religious retreat situated in a leafy nondescript San Fernando Valley neighborhood. Scientology’s dear friends at the LAPD assure us that the Schuman neighborhood is so tranquil and crime free that they have no need to ever patrol it.
However, should the LAPD ever need to go the neighborhood for, say, a barking dog complaint, they would call OSA as a courtesy before showing up several hours later. But by then the barking dog would have mysteriously drowned in a backyard swimming pool and so the LAPD would cancel the call. This convenient arrangement between Scientology and the LAPD frees up police resources to deal with real crimes, for example finding and arresting the many psychiatrists who routinely kill people with drugs and electroshock.
Scientologists who go Type III at Pac Base, the Pasadena Ideal Org, the Valley Org, the Celebrity Centre, or the Inglewood Org are bound and gagged, thrown into the trunk of a car, and transported to the Schuman garage. There, these tormented thetans are given Ecclesiastical Vistaril until they get their ethics fully in and end cycle by dropping the body. We in RTC assure one and all that this is the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.
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I’d attend but I only eat caek these days.
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Caek-eaters are Psychs and Communists. They are not welcome at Ron’s birthday.
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When it comes to austerity, Scientology has the best solutions. Those Orgs and Missions that are fortunate enough to have toilet paper, use the back and front side of each piece of TP to get maximum usage. I believe it was called the Toronto directive.
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Davey’s OWN budget (gourmet meals, new suits, a $20 million mansion) will not be touched.
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COB’s expenses are the single most important budget item in all of Scientology. And to be correct, COB’s annual budget is $252 million per year. COB could not possibly exist on one penny less.
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