Scientology Media Productions today announced the production of its new series Scientology: The Real Story. “Season one will feature ten exciting episodes explained Sea Org Ensign Brenda Bahlbreaker, Commanding Officer of SMP.

“We have a dynamite line up of shows,” enthused Ensign Bahlbreaker.

1. COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige: Humanitarian and global ecclesiastical leader guides Scientology into a new and unprecedented era of expansion.

2. The story of how Mr. Miscavige opened 17,712 new Ideal Orgs — and in the process how Scientology became the largest private bulk purchaser of carpeting and flooring in the world — is told. Far from being the “dramatizing interior decorator” his critics have falsely portrayed him as, Mr. Miscavige is instead shown as a man of impeccable tastes in interior design and architecture.

3. STAND: Scientologists taking a stand against discrimination. Squirrel Busting and OSAbot online trolling clarified, explained, and justified.

4. Fair Game? “No, it was cancelled in 1968,” explains Ken Delusion. “It was a bad policy written by our doddering old bumpkin of a Founder. Thank goodness David Miscavige was chosen to rise above Ron’s bank,” Delusion concludes.

5. David Miscavige and Tom Cruise Revitalize Downtown Clearwater. The dynamic Scientology duo cut the ribbon on a new Payless shoe store, the mighty anchor store in what will become 21st century Downtown Clearwater. Soon to follow are a new Der Wienerschnitzel, a Fotomat, and of course a new taco truck. Did we tell you that COB loves a good taco truck?

6. The new Theta Optical Store opens with a special 10% off on all eyeglasses for Scientologists. This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Dwight and Debbie White explaining why, although thetans see through golden discs, eyeglasses are sometimes needed when the meat body eyeballs go out of present time.

7. ARC Hearing Aids store opens with a special 10% off on all hearing aids for Scientologists.This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Dennis and Brenda Caucasian explaining why, although thetans hear through platinum discs, hearing aids are sometimes needed when the meat body ears go out of
present time.

8. KRC Chiropractic opens with a special 10% off on all chiropractic adjustments for Scientologists.This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Henry and Cheryl Paleface explaining why, although thetans can operate the body while exterior with full perceptions, most can’t do it as they are banky and so go Out Int. This necessitates the need for an adjustment. Henry Paleface also explains why chiropractic done the Scientology way can eliminate the need for wog medications, cancer treatment, and other expensive and unnecessary treatments for made up diseases such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, asthma, leukemia, etc.

9. The new Eternity Bookstore store opens. Owner OT Rod Delusion explains why he only sells LRH fiction and the Basics and refuses to carry the filthy and degraded books written by wogs.

10. The season finale ends where it begins: With a celebration of COB RTC David Miscavige. To support COB, this final episode is a five day fundraising telethon and is mandatory watching for IAS members who wish to remain in good standing with the Church.