“I love the new me,” said Scientologist Tom Cruise. “The old me had a face that was too thin and gaunt. I looked anorexic. I like the new fuller ‘puffy-faced and overfed Flag OT‘ look. My new look says I’m sessionable, upstat, and winning in life!

“I want others to have the same wins I had. That’s why I’ve  opened a new chain of exclusive Scientology puffy-faced beauty clinics.

“Called Mr. Tom’s of Beverly Hills, my new beauty clinics use the exact Scientology beauty-implanting technology of BT-injections, Botox, mega-niacin fillers, and glycol-alchohol injections which preparation is guaranteed to pick up a thetan. All of these combine to create a new standard in beauty: The puffy-faced OT!

“I feel fab, fit, and fifty-four!”