New OT VII Billy Joe Bumpus of Glendale, California was named Power FSM of the year.

“Billy Joe disseminated Scientology to 1.759 billion people of Earth, thus beating Tom Cruise’s old record of 1.1347 billion people.”

“The unlikely story of how the 425 pound Bumpus — an obscure doughnut broker from Glendale — could reach more people than Super OT Tom Cruise comes down to one word: SPAM.”

“After Billy Joe brokered one of the biggest doughnut transactions in Los Angeles history in early 2015, Bumpus used his $50,000 commission check to pay Russian spammers who sent out over 100,000,000,000 e-mails.”

“These e-mails offered a free $2500 cash voucher for food. All the recipient had to do was to click a link.”

“Billions of poor and starving people clicked the link to discover that the $2500 cash voucher for food was available to anyone who signed up for a twelve week stay at Flag and spent a minimum of $125,000 in services,” chortled Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “An alternative allowed people to join the Sea Org where they would receive free room and board in exchange for helping to Clear the Planet. Over 3,000 inquires were made about joining the Sea Org from Eastern Europe alone.”

“Was it cruel?” Delusion asked. “Not at all. Church policy allows ‘acceptable truths’ to be told when they are the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.”

“With all the SP attacks on the Church these days,” Delusion remarked, “we in the Church of Scientology need to  use whatever scams, cons, and tricks to reach people with COB’s life-saving and miraculous GAT II programs. Billy Joe Bumpus is therefore very highly commended for using OT Spam technology.”

When asked to comment Billy Joe said, “First I want to thank COB for the SRD. Thank you sir! Second, I think this big 4d win finally gets me invited to The Freewinds to do OTVIII. That is my dream come true.”