Buoyed by the success of his Airbus plane-hanging stunt in Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, Scientology OT and actor Tom Cruise decided to “up the gradient” to the next level of airplane stunt work. Accordingly, Cruise had his stunt team strap him to the starboard conformal fuel tank of an American F-15E fighter plane. “Things went well at V1 and V2 speeds,”  said stunt coordinator and fellow Scientologist Bud Delong. “Tom was hanging on to the F-15 like a real pro.”

“The scene Tom insisted upon called for the pilot of the F-15 to go to full afterburners as soon as the aircraft lifted off. “This is where the problems began,” said Delong. “The sudden acceleration from 135 knots to Mach 1.2 was, in looking back at the stunt, not a good idea. The flesh began ripping off Tom’s face and body at around 180 knots.”

“This was definitely an engram-causing situation for Tom,” said Delong. “In the sixty seconds it took the F-15 to hit Mach 1.2 as it climbed through 30,000 feet Tom’s body had been ripped to pieces and hurled to the Earth. It was a real mess what with Tom Cruise’s meat body scattered all over the farms under the flight path.

“Fortunately, Flag has the exact technology needed to reassemble an OT,” Delong commented. “And so we collected and packed up the bits of Tom in dry ice and shipped him off to Flag by Fed-Ex overnight.”

“Flag reassembled Tom using the latest Super Power Rundowns. Tom is swollen something fierce and his head is the size of one of them big round Cuban watermelons, but that should all settle out in a few weeks with the use of daily auditing, touch assists, and Cal Mag.”

“Tom told me he felt great,” Delong remarked. “He chalked it all up to the fact that Earth meat bodies at this present time just can’t handle his OTness.”