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Church of Scientology Announces the Tom Cruise 4th Wife Campaign (TC4WC)

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TC.Wife” COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered fundraising for what  will be the incredibly expensive Tom Cruise 4th Wife Campaign (TC4WC).

“Finding a trophy wife for an aging male movie star is easy enough,” said Ken Delusion, CO RTC 2D Procurement Unit, “but throw in the difficulty of finding a trophy wife who is willing to be a Scientology Stepford wife and now we’re talking a global search campaign.”

tom-cruise-crazy“Worse, we can’t afford a repeat of the back-to-back Nicole/Katie PR flaps,” Delusion added.

“Some of the 1,000+ items on the TC4WC checksheet include:

    1. Filing the incisor teeth of the candidates to the approved TC dimension
    2. A minimum of 1,000 hours of initial sec checking of each candidate for hidden crimes and evil purposes
    3. Key question: Have you destroyed planets on the wholetrack?
    4. Finding someone who is not taller than Tom Cruise. Frankly, Tom is tired of wives who tower over him like Amazon’s, particularly when they get 1.1 and wear spike heels just to enturbulate Tom.
    5. Tom Cruise needs someone who can understand and perfectly duplicate David Miscavige’s rapid-fire staccato manner of speaking without any comm lags or “huhs?”
    6. Key criteria: Tom Cruise’s 4th wife must understand that David Miscavige will be the third person in their bed. COB accompanied Tom on his honeymoon with wife #3 and he will do so with wife #4
    7. Wife #4 must realize that she does not have the &$^%*# rank to ask where Shelly is. This must never, ever, ever, ever, happen.

Please donate right now this instant to the Tom Cruise 4th Wife Campaign.

If you think you could be the 4th Mrs. Tom Cruise, please post your qualifications below for consideration.

We in RTC wish to note that COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige strongly disagrees with Tom Cruise having a 4th wife. Nevertheless, just to prove that we in the Church of Scientology are pro-family, COB has assented to BFF Tom Cruise’s 2D self-determination as a thetan. As for COB, this is his view of marriage:

DM.Marriage

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9 replies »

  3. Sometimes what you are looking for is right under your nose and you don’t see the obvious. Even if you are a Big Being and Super OT. I would humbly suggest that Tom hook up with Juliette Lewis. She is a tried-n-true long time Scientologist who knows what a good Sec Check is all about. She has Hollywood cred and probably isn’t opposed to a bit of dental work to conform to Tom’s standards. In fact, she is edgy enough to maybe find such activity a little ‘exciting’. Their ‘Pain and Sex’ HCOB would be fully in. Sure, she is getting a little long in the tooth for an aging male acting icon, but that is nothing that a little surgery wouldn’t handle, and everyone knows that meat bodies are just a MEST consideration and Big Beings are way beyond such things. I’m not sure about the tallness requirement though. She is a long time second generation Scientologist so she must be used to being on her knees a lot. If not, she surely needs to spend more time with her personal Ethics Officer.

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  4. We in Global Capitalism HQ have seen some turnover in the ranks of supermodels recently.

    We’d be happy to forward some potential candidates to you as part of the package in the secured lending portfolio we’ve been pitching you that would accelerate your Ideal Org program by hocking the buildings you already have at attractive interest rates so that you can finally get the New Haven, Battle Creek, Puerto Rico and a few other of the stalled projects in the portfolio going again, taking their rightful place in the crown jewels of new civilization building.

    Please contact my colleague Mr. Winthrop Cabot Astor IV, Senior Global Managing Director of Special Situation Financing, at Global Capitalism HQ for details.

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  6. For the record, Dakota Fanning is not interested in Total Freedom at this point in her life. Yes, she and Tom had a past working relationship and she cherishes those memories. It was a working relationship and nothing more. Dakota is focused on her acting career right now. If and when positions 5, 6 and 7 come available, she still won’t be interested. If Tom would do one favor for Ms. Fanning, would he please refrain from sending that midget in the sailor suit to see her. The notes and free movie tickets are creepy, but the midget’s hair do is really freaking her out.

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