“The Church of Scientology is gripped in an unprecedented financial crisis of heretofore unimaginable and nightmarish magnitudes,” declared acting Finance Dictator Mr. Dan Sherman.
“Not only has the price of rice and beans skyrocketed, but GAT II income is 192,815% below predicted levels. Worse, refund requests are running at highest ever levels with 332,416,022 refund requests received just this month.”
“As a result,” Mr. Sherman declared, “his Ecclesiastical Thetanship David Miscavige is feeling the pinch. Why just last week his regularly scheduled shipment of fresh New Zealand lamb was delayed when the check from the COB Food Fund bounced.”
“Whereupon, and to make matters worse, COB’s credit card was declined when he went to buy a mere $2,500,000 in $1,000 chips at the Tritium Kitty Kat Casino in New Mexico. The embarrassment!”
“In order to keep his Ecclesiastical Thetanship flush, then, the hundreds of millions of dollars per year paid in royalties to the Church of Scientology International as well as the royalties paid to the Church of Spiritual Technology will henceforth be paid directly to David Miscavige Personal Way to Happiness Fund, a trust based in Curacao.”
The boards of the Church of Scientology International and the Church of Spiritual Technology unanimously approved this diversion of funds in view of Mr. Miscavige’s herculean labors and massive humanitarian work on behalf of Mankind, especially the little people, the forgotten people. In the event, robbing Ron to pay Dave goes all the way back to the 1980’s so there is precedent for this.”
“
And besides” Mr. Sherman added, “the Founder is quite dead and doesn’t need royalties continually paid to him forever. Moreover, we as a Church can’t afford to keep spending perfectly good money to dig more and more holes in the ground to endlessly bury more LRH metal plates. Enough already!”
“Quite honestly, we in the Church of Scientology feel that the Founder has violently smashed his name into history to an adequate degree and has made his point. It’s now time to take that money and give it to David Miscavige.”
Categories: OTVIIIisGrrr8!
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 
When COB sends a lackey to make a deposit at the local bank, do not leave it on the roof of the car and drive off after having finishing transactions on Hollywood Blvd.
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But remember to pick up COB after he has completed his transactions on Hollywood Blvd.
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This is too much, I can’t take the guilt any longer. I finally see I have to redo my entire Bridge, or at least fork over the money for it to help the David Miscavige Personal Way to Happiness Fund. How selfish I have been!
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Ronn, all of us are hopelessly doomed this lifetime because we have so miserably failed COB.
Therefore, there is no reason for all of us miserable fuck ups to waste perfectly good money so selfishly on our Bridges.
The only amends we can possibly do to make up for the damage we have done to COB is is to flow power, in the form of all of our money, to the David Miscavige Personal Way to Happiness Fund.
None of can be happy unless COB is happy.
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Bridge? The Bridge is antiquated. Just up your status. Fuggedabout that stupid Bridge. You’re living in the past. Now go back and wordclear the post until you understand it’s all about ensuring David Miscavige is happy, NOT YOU!!!
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Finally, Dan Sherman says something that makes sense… Hip Hip!!
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Wait til I tell the IRS about this. Oh, by the way, the California Board of Equalization has heard that some guy has been living in a $20 million house in Riverside County at his company’s expense for some 30 years, has never filed state income tax, and thus owes the state millions in back taxes. Does anyone know anything about this guy?
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Those Hubbard offices in all the orgs aren’t making any money either. Could we rent them out?
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I tried to establish a Go Fund Me page for Capt. Miscavige and was told that income and lifestyle wants didn’t qualify. They said genuine needs, like medical bills or treatment were very acceptable though. Does anyone know if COB suffers from long term untreated syphilis or bovine spongiform encephalopathy? How about bunions or a goiter? The staff at Gold Base are not very helpful when I call and inquire about his health. A little help please.
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He suffers from dwarfism, and related psychiatric ailments (narcissism, megalomania).
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