Welcome to the Church of Scientology.

You have made a very wise decision to improve yourself through the use of our highly effective spiritual technology.

An exciting spiritual adventure awaits. Our copyrighted spiritual technology will allow you to precisely date locate, re-experience, and thereby erase all of the painful engrams stored in your reactive mind. And as you move with GAT II’s fastest-ever speeds up the Bridge to Total Freedom, you’ll quickly become a Clear who has no reactive mind — and then onto the summit of the OT levels!

Scientology’s electropsychometer — or “e-meter” as we call it — will probe the deepest recesses of your prurient, festering, and filthy self-absorbed mind, thereby relieving you of your hidden evil purposes and the vast reservoir of guilty secrets that lay hidden just beneath the surface. We know what makes you tick and it is not good.

The e-meter is your friend and so is your auditor. Likewise, all of us in the Church of Scientology are your friends.

We care so very deeply about you.

It is for this reason that you must, while in the recorded sessions with your auditor, unreservedly confess to us all of your horrible crimes and sins in order to free yourself. For example, we must know the intimate details of your secret drug-fueled masturbatory orgies. What detestable fantasies run through your head during these assuredly self-hating bouts of onanism?

And what of embezzlement, grand theft, or any other felonies you have committed and do not want the authorities to discover? We need to know the details of just exactly what you did, how you got away with it, and how much money is involved. Please be assured we can certainly make “problem money” go away very quickly thereby relieving you of any undue concerns.

As for your current marriage or primary relationship: If the other person is not a Scientologist, or is not willing to promptly become a Scientologist, why then they must be gotten rid of immediately. Drive them from your life now! If needed, we are quite proficient at helping make these hateful anti-Scientologists go away and even disappear. The same applies to any of your friends who are not friendly to Scientology. We are very friendly. As Scientologists, however, we simply do not care to associate ourselves with Suppressive Persons (SP’s).

SP’s are quite insane and are actually criminals. As such, SP’s are opposed to anyone getting better by using Scientology’s safe and effective drug free solutions to life.

For your own safety you must stay away from SP’s. We will tell you who and who is not an SP.

We are the most ethical group on the planet.

Your secrets are unquestionably safe with us.

Your auditing sessions are recorded only for internal training purposes.

You must help us help you. You must never try to hide anything from us. You must never keep any secrets from us or attempt to hide any money from us. You must never run away from us and make us come after you because we will.

Please do not confuse our intense love and affection for stalking. For instance, if you come to home to find your fellow Scientologists conducting a detailed inspection of your residence and possessions, you need not be alarmed. We are simply acting in your best interest by taking away from you those possessions we feel could harm you. Such possessions include, but are not limited to, computers and all other devices capable of connecting to the internet or placing calls to your so-called family and friends. We have issued you a two-way radio. You can call us if needed. When we call you on your radio, and we will several times each hour to check in on your progress, you must answer.

Instant obedience is the way of life in Scientology. You must use every waking moment to improve and perfect your instant obedience and commitment to the Church of Scientology.

You will be precisely indoctrinated in order to achieve the absolute state of spiritual enlightenment. This is achieved by a strict monastic regimen of painful and soul-rending confession, malnourishment, beatings, and sleep deprivation. While this intense monastic regime results in alternating states of giddy euphoria and abject self-debasement, we assure you this only a temporary state. Indeed, when the “extreme crisis phase” of this exalted spiritual state reaches its climax, the reactive mind rather unexpectedly and permanently erases. Suddenly you “go Clear” because you are Clear.

We will present you with a handsomely framed certificate verifying the State of Clear you have reached. This certificate may be displayed in your home. This certificate is all the proof needed to verify that you are an advanced spiritual being whose IQ and abilities mark  you as being better and smarter than the seven billion inferior people on this planet who are not Scientologists.

It is an actual scientific fact that when you improve yourself using Scientology you are vastly superior in every way to what we secretly call “homo saps” or “wogs”, i.e. non-Scientologists. You will eventually become an Operating Thetan, or “OT.”

And when you become an exalted OT VIII like Tom Cruise, you too will know the seventy-six trillion year old hidden Nazi history of Psychiatry. You too will be the only one who can help at the scene of an accident.

This completes your “Welcome to the Church of Scientology” Level 1.

Our uniformed security personnel will now escort you to Room 5A. There we need you to quickly sign some paperwork authorizing the Church of Scientology to implant a micro-GPS device behind your left ear. This device includes a sound chip. Should you fail to answer when we call you on your radio, this device will emit an undulating shrill pitch until you answer our call.