“A newly released study authoritatively concludes that the Church of Scientology’s seemingly endless problems are caused by fracking,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Funded by the Citizen’s Commission on Human Rights, this new study proves the link between fracking and the abysmal failure of COB’s fully ideal and wholly embracive planetary-changing technologies of GAT II and Super Power.”

“Fianced by the Psychs, fracking was deliberately designed to destabilize Scientology organizations and social betterment programs. Conclusive proof of  Psychiatric involvement was obtained when OSA operatives lowered cameras down fracking wells and obtained video of a Psych ritual featuring psychedelic music designed to arouse the senses and restimulate engrams on the wholetrack,” Delusion stated.

“This type of Psych music is very dangerous, hypnotic, and ssssexual. We in the Church of Scientology very strictly forbid our parishioners from listening to it,” Delusion sternly concluded.