International tycoon, financier, and man-of-mystery Lionel Drinkwater sat in his palatial office overlooking the verdant lagoon on the legendary Drinkwater Island, a small sovereign island nation founded by his Grandfather.
Known for its incredible beauty, resorts, and famous “no limit” casino, Drinkwater Island was a refuge in paradise for the ultra-wealthy.
Lionel Drinking was reading a most singular telex he had been received in the last hour:
“Dear Mr. Drinkwater,
My name is Captain David Miscavige of the Sea Organization. I am writing to request your assistance, i.e. a Drinkwater Island passport and sanctuary on Drinkwater Island.
I am able to write very large checks from my personal defense fund called the IAS.
Please advise soonest on what it would take for myself and my entourage of ten Sea Org members to gain permanent residency on Drinkwater Island.
I am eager to proceed as my present residence in a nuclear-proof vault, while secure, is dreary.
Your prompt reply is very much appreciated; it seems I need to leave the US on short notice.
ML,
Captain David Miscavige
The Sea Organization
Trementina Base
New Mexico, USA”
The Captain’s letter was very fascinating to Lionel Drinkwater — but not for reasons Captain Miscavige would need to know about. Accordingly, Drinkwater replied by telex:
“Dear Captain Miscavige,
I am in receipt of your most earnest entreaty.
Please send me a copy of your international passport so that I know you really are who you say you are.
Regards,
Lionel Drinkwater
Drinkwater Island“
Categories: OTVIIIisGrrr8!
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 
Dear Mr. Drinkwater,
There is no need for me to show you proof of my identity as I am the well-known and internationally acknowledged spiritual leader of a major world religion.
However, as well as a generous cash donation I am also prepared to offer you a free lifetime subscription to the International Association of Scientologists and a generous discount on auditing of all Scientology courses which will ensure your spiritual eternity.
Please let me know your decision as soon as possible as I urgently need a peaceful retreat in order to ponder my ecclesiastical future.
ML
Captain David Miscavige
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A double cross eh? Mr. Drinkwater should do some Island of Dr. Moreau type experiments on Miscavige and his entourage.
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Andrew – You are an artist. I hope you don’t mind if I try to go behind to the dictation tape. (I toned down the expletives, but Mike and Marty’s take would be a blast)
———————————————
Dear Mr. Drinkwater,
Listen here Mother Fucker
There is no need for me to show you proof of my identity as I am the well-known and internationally acknowledged spiritual leader of a major world religion.
My id is in a suitcase waiting for a reply of “Yes”. This scam ain’t gonna last forever.
However, as well as a generous cash donation I am also prepared to offer you a free lifetime subscription to the International Association of Scientologists and a generous discount on auditing of all Scientology courses which will ensure your spiritual eternity.
If the suitcase doesn’t fit the bill we will take your island by all means available. And, that includes turning you in to an incoherent zombie slave
Please let me know your decision as soon as possible as I urgently need a peaceful retreat in order to ponder my ecclesiastical future.
I’ll be ordered to be deposed sooner of later so I need this NOW!!!
ML
My Land
Captain David Miscavige
Captain David Miscavige – Lord of all and tallest man in the world
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Can’t captain Miscavige land with the Freewinds and take the island by force? A crack team of 20 SO staff should be able to make that go right. How dare Mr Dinklewater or whatever he’s called dev-t our COB with 1.1 HERy Q&A! Honestly, these wogs need to be taught respect!
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Wouldn’t a sea argh takeover be akin to piracy ?
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Is Shelly coming with him?
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Dear Lionel Drinkwater, Esq.,
I represent Captain David Miscavige, who is away from his office for the rest of the day due to an important one-on-one conference with Mr. Glenfiddich “Single Malt” Scotch. Mr. Miscavige has asked me to extend his thanks and appreciation for your confidentiality of banking and investing his gazillions with Drinkwater Financial Services (DFS).
When he last wrote, Mr. Miscavige noted that he sought refuge on Drinkwater Island for his entourage of ten Sea Org members. What he failed to mention is the fact that we’ll be arriving at Drinkwater Island on the bleau asbestos-plagued Freewinds, a cruise ship currently registered in Panama. As bleau is Mr. Miscavige’s favorite color (this side of black), he looks forward to the exclusive use of The Fontainebleau, your resort hotel, for our fund raisers and events.
Mr. Miscavige understands that The Fountainbleau has a deep underground shelter, originally built to withstand nuclear blasts. Following this telex, please find Mr. Miscavige’s precise plans for the renovation of that shelter, as it’ll need to be upgraded to “Idle mOrgue” status. Mr. Miscavige’s entourage (comprised of ten top key former Church of $cientology International executives, more valuable as ransom than all the tea in China), will be housed in the new “Idle mOrgue,” which, when officially opened in 2088, will be called “Le Hole de Fountainbleau,” or, more simply put, “The Blue Hole.”
ML,
JennyAtLAX
Southwest Airlines, Women’s Bathroom Stall 4
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Dear JennyAtLAX,
We on Drinkwater Island believe your overwrought fantasies have to do with your “2D” feelings for Captain Miscavige. We are a very private island community and would never carry on with the sort of messy public outbursts you in RTC seem to favor.
Please be assured that we have Captain Miscavige’s residency and asylum application under consideration.
The Board of Directors and Trustees of Drinkwater Island Extended Stays wish to inform you, in your capacity as Captain Miscavige’s agent, that, should Captain Miscavige’s application be approved, he will be required to transfer all assets under his personal control — including those of the Church of Scientology International, the IAS, CSRT, and the residue of RRF — to Drinkwater Financial Services. In exchange, Captain Miscavige will receive the exclusive and highly coveted Drinkwater Island Blacque Lacquer Card. The DI Blacque Lacquer Card card is so desirable that it is inherently welcome in the finest luxury resorts the world over.
Additionally, if Captain Miscavige’s application is approved he will be required to ship his entire inventory of rare and fine liquor here to DI — and this includes his Special Reserve Trementina Stock!
JennyAtLAX, if you come to DI with Captain Miscavige, and we hope you do, you will not be forced to perpetually remain on surveillance duty in a restroom stall in an airport.
How are you able to live any sort of decent life in a restroom stall at LAX? Would you like us to send you a CARE package?
Regards,
The Board of Directors and Trustees
Drinkwater Island Extended Stays
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I heard he was moving the Sea Pals to northwestern Guyana, to an old church he got a good deal on. He’s taking Kool-Aid.
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