Due to the BILLIONS of people clamoring for more Scientology events, the Church of Scientology will increase its number of annual events, this according to Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
“The Church presently has 7-10 major events each year,” Delusion explained. “However, these events are sold out years in advance and are standing room only. Moreover, the Church has a duty to stage hundreds of extra events in order to prevent lethal stampedes as happened when 12,000 people were trampled to death during COB’s live appearance at the grand opening of the Flag Building.”
“Therefore, to accommodate the overwhelming demand by the general public, Scientology parishioners, staff, and Sea Org for more events, the Church of Scientology will now stage 365 mandatory events each year.”
“Most of these daily events will begin at 6:00 AM and will take place in the homes of Scientology parishioners,” Delusion noted. “Staged by Sea Org members, these events will last until the quota for the day is produced.”
Crowds estimated at 25,000,000 Scientologists swarmed the new Flag Building during COB RTC David Miscavige’s speech to open the facility. Photo courtesy of Johnny Tank at the criminally suppressive Underground Bunker
Categories: OTVIIIisGrrr8!
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 
I applaud COB for his gracious decision to accept market forces and increase his ecclesiastical beneficence rather than humbly retreat into his cloister for prayer.
My only concern is for the safety of his flock and I hope that a professional approach is taken in future regarding crowd control.
Andrew
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365 major events/year….wow!! You know there’s a sign on the wall of one of our favorite watering holes – “Free Beer tomorrow!!” that reminds us of an item that would quickly become the single most popular item in the RTC gift shop. Although pricey, it would be worth its weight in gold and read…
“Attention Sea Org: We’ll attend/donate tomorrow. ARC”
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Now that Auditor’s Day is for all intents and purposes a thing of the past may I be as bold to suggest replacing it with Fundraiser’s Day?
After all COB has stated that “Fundraisers are the most valuable people in the world. Auditors are just the blind leading the blind.”
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“Therefore, to accommodate the overwhelming demand by the general public, Scientology parishioners, staff, and Sea Org for more events, the Church of Scientology will now stage 365 mandatory events each year.”
I knew David Miscavige was working up to that, lol!
Terrific article 🙂
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good laugh! thanks again.
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OMG! 12,000 people trampled to death because of wanting to see COB in person at the grand opening of the new Flag Building. – What a terrible loss! Were they all scientologists?
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Birgit –
Thanks to the Science in Scientology, it was scientifically proved one is able to be a Scientologist for all eternity. Therefore it is factually correct to state that all 12,000 tramplees not only were Scientologists. They are still Scientologists!! And due to the growing world expansion of Scientology and Scientology families, we are able to testify with absolute certainty that every one of the 12,000 thetans who dropped their body at Super Power has found a new body in a Scientology family. But it is with special acknowledgment to the early start provided my Mace-Kingsley, we are again able to state with certainty every single one has resumed progress on their bridge.
It’s a beautiful time to be a Scientologist…please stop by your nearest org today and find out why!
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Some of them would have been discovered to have been SPs by now, so their deaths were a good thing. Some of them had named IAS as the sole heir and beneficiary for their life insurance policies, so their deaths were an even better thing.
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whostolemycog
I get what you mean!
The 12,000 scientologists, who were trampled to death, have all found a new body in a Scientology family. They will over time multiply and become 24,0000 or maybe even 36,000 new scientologists.
I call that a win win situation!
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