Paramedics were called today when the Church of Scientology experienced another massive panic attack.
“The dizziness intensified and soon the Church began hyperventilating and screaming to nearby pedestrians that it was about to die.”
“Concerned citizens dialed 911. An ambulance rushed to assist the Church that was now laying prone on a public sidewalk while gripped in a fullblown panic attack.”
“The Church was rushed here to the Intensive Care Unit at Hollywood Religious Hospital,” Dr. Dye commented. “An initial examination revealed dangerous hypertension and serious heart disease caused by Scientology’s dangerous and reckless abuse of its parishioners, staff, and Sea Org.”
“We specialize in cults here at the Hollywood Religious Hospital,” Dr. Dye explained, “and we expect to see cults abusing their members, but Scientology is the worst! ”
“And so when Scientology’s members blow and reveal the inner workings of the Cult on the internet, Scientology’s blood pressure skyrockets, it loses its bowels, and these major panic attacks ensue.”
“Worse, an MRI examination revealed a very dangerous cancer in the lindahamel gland. This diseased gland is snow white in appearance. A secondary alverzo infection has set in and, well, soon even radical surgery will be unable to stop the damage to the Cult of Scientology.
“The prognosis for the Cult is not good,” Dr. Dye solemnly intoned.