Panic Attack in the Church of Scientology!

Paramedics were called today when the Church of Scientology experienced another massive panic attack.

ambulance-ride“The sickly 64-year-old cult was reading the internet when it suddenly complained of dizziness and nausea,” stated Dr. Shirley Dye of the Hollywood Religious Hospital.

“The dizziness intensified and soon the Church began hyperventilating and screaming to nearby pedestrians that it was about to die.”

“Concerned citizens dialed 911. An ambulance rushed to assist the Church that was now laying prone on a public sidewalk while gripped in a fullblown panic attack.”

“The Church was rushed here to the Intensive Care Unit at Hollywood Religious Hospital,” Dr. Dye commented. “An initial examination revealed dangerous hypertension and serious heart disease caused by Scientology’s dangerous and reckless abuse of its parishioners, staff, and Sea Org.”

David Miscavige

David Miscavige

“We specialize in cults here at the Hollywood Religious Hospital,” Dr. Dye explained, “and we expect to see cults abusing their members, but Scientology is the worst! ”

“And so when Scientology’s members blow and reveal the inner workings of the Cult on the internet, Scientology’s blood pressure skyrockets, it loses its bowels, and these major panic attacks ensue.”

“Worse, an MRI examination revealed a very dangerous cancer in the lindahamel gland. This diseased gland is snow white in appearance. A secondary alverzo infection has set in and, well, soon even  radical surgery will be unable to stop the damage to the Cult of Scientology.

“The prognosis for the Cult is not good,” Dr. Dye solemnly intoned.

11 responses to “Panic Attack in the Church of Scientology!

  1. I overheard Dr. Dye talking with colleagues after the press conference.

    “No question about it…they pulled it in.”


  2. Sometimes a home remedy is the best. May I suggest a chicken soup enema and call me in the morning?


  3. Experienced paramedics surely would have shown some mercy by “mistaking” the ampoules containing a sedative with the lethal injection stuff, and saved the patient from the long painfull deathroute that now awaits.
    Unfotunately for all, the paramedics had just graduated.


  4. This is a DISASTER of MAGNITUDE, comparable only with 9/11!
    All the bitter defrocked apostates on the fringes of the internet are in panic mode and only hope and pray the church will survive, since the church and its leader is what keeps them together. Their entire lives will be devoid of meaning if the church, and especially of course its beloved leader David Misckowitch, were to die.
    What should all the blogs write about then?


  5. Waiting for the IRS to declare time of death.


  6. This must be a completely different Church of Scientology than the one that is enjoying straight up and vertical expansion. RTC needs to sue this squirrel COS for copyright infringement.


  7. Someone call TC!!!


  8. Strangely he´s not answering anymore.


  9. Vistaril all around!


  10. 17 days in solitary confinement.


  11. Ok we seriously need to create some kind of award or trophy to present to J for this cuz I’m crackin the f up over here. lindahamel gland, snow white in appearance, gtf outta here! Have you ever thought of writing some stuff for the Onion as a special correspondent? I’m serious man, you should do it.


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