“The Golden Age of Magical Breakthroughs is here!” enthused Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.
And with those words, Delusion ushered in COB’s latest new technical revolution.
“What the Golden Age of Magical Breakthroughs means for every Scientologist is that COB has discovered that the Tech works better for him with arbitraries, therefore arbitraries are reinstated.”
“COB would have normally announced this breakthrough in person,” Delusion commented. “However he is away.”
“Specifically, COB is away with his twenty-two wog lawyers devising a new strategy called Project All Clear.”
“The purpose of Project All Clear is to free COB from any and all legal entanglements in present time so that he can continue to do what he does best, and that is opening Ideal Orgs and re-releasing re-revised and re-recovered texts that were lost to SP Transcriptionists.”
“In the present suppressive climate,” Delusion noted, “parishioners must accept that COB Arbitraries are necessary for speed of particle flow on our vital finance lines.”
“In terms of arbitraries, COB has ordered the following actions to revitalize a Church membership that is falling into disaffection:
* OTVIII’s are hereby ordered to report to their nearest Class V Org to re-do their lower Bridge beginning with the Purification Rundown and Objectives.
* All Basics completions are to redo the Basics 3X. All previous Basics completions certificates are cancelled.
* The Purification Rundown cannot be EP’d until done 12x, this to ensure true purification occurs.
These sorts of vital planetary-changing actions unlock the door that opens into the Golden Age of Magical Breakthroughs!
COB appreciates your total and utter compliance and obedience in these matters.
Categories: OTVIIIisGrrr8!
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 
I wonder if the truth is revealed now … will he just grab all the money and blow to the Bahamas?
LikeLike
Escaping with the money is the only magical breakthrough he has left.
LikeLike
I get it…this is the answer to the last column, “Why do you hate COB”..
Correct answer: Arbitraries
LikeLike
The Church of Scientology (religion of invalidation and death) is beyond parody.
Your puny efforts to mock and defame the source of this divine inspiration only add luster to his fame.
Pbbbtht!! So there!
LikeLike
First World Problems:
Having to redo my entire lower bridge including Purif and objectives all the way back up to GAT-2 Certified OTVIII because of COB’s arbitraries.
(Caption to picture in article above)
LikeLike
In a lot of ways it truly has become a parody of itself.
LikeLike
Couple of tips for COB:
True comprehension of the Basics cannot occur until they have been studied in every major Earth language.
Also the purif is much more effective when you add bleach to your drinking water. That intensely painful burning sensation is toxins releasing (along with the occasional body thetan).
LikeLike
Due to his recent silence, an awful suspicion had lodged in my puny wog brain that Ken Delusion had been sent to the Hole sorry been reassigned to working happily away for the CST at a confidential facility. Whereupon, it is reassuring to hear his confident pronouncements on behalf of COB Mr. David Miscavige once more.
By the way, does the acronym for the Golden Age of Magical Breakthroughs have anything to do with Gumbo Butter (c)?
LikeLike
There is no Hole. Nevertheless, Delusion voluntarily entered the RPF reeducation program after a routine sec check revealed a hidden crime against COB. This matter has been handled to an E/P and Delusion wrote a success story that will soon be published.
LikeLike
Thank the thetans that everyone has to do the purif 12 times. Can’t have all that enturbulating chemicals around the mOrg. All the fees for this service can now be properly used to upgrade COB’s shoe and scotch collection.
LikeLike