Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion today announced that alleged domestic terrorist Devon Newman was never actually a member of the Church.
“We looked everywhere,” Delusion stated, “And nowhere could we find any actual records indicating that Devon Newman was ever a member of the Church of Scientology.”
“What apparently happened is that Ms. Newman showed up one day at the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce and signed herself up as the new PR Director of the Las Vegas Celebrity Centre.
“The problem is that no one at the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce bothered to confirm this with the Las Vegas Celebrity Centre, so this entire matter of Devon Newman and her alleged domestic terrorism is the fault of the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce,” Delusion noted.
Las Vegas Celebrity Centre
“To make matters worse, the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce was getting several requests everyday from local groups eager to learn about Scientology, the world’s fastest growing religion. The Chamber bypassed the Church by sending Newman out on speaking and lecture tours in response to the many requests for Scientology speakers.”
“What Devon Newman was really after,” Delusion observed, “was the tremendous personal prestige that comes with being a member of the Church of Scientology.”
Freedom Magazine reporter Dr. Eldon Weiner added, “Everyone wants to be a member of the Church of Scientology so they can rub elbows with movie stars and get rich quick using the surefire wealth-creating technology available only in the Church of Scientology.”
“It is a proven fact,” Weiner added, “that the Church of Scientology makes ten new millionaires a day. And so why this Devon Newman woman — who was a downstat off the street — saw that impersonating a Scientologist was the way to get herself invited to all of the chic events in Las Vegas. Imagine the nerve of that woman — there she was eating jumbo shrimp cocktails with Wayne Newton while passing herself off as the PR Director of the ultra-prestigious Las Vegas Celebrity Centre!”
Dr. Eldon Weiner of Freedom Magazine
“It all makes sense now,” Wiener noted. “The reasons the stats crashed in Las Vegas is because this Newman woman was out presenting squirrel Scientology to the local community. Now that we got that fixed, Las Vegas will start booing again.”
When asked by reporters how Devon Newman was able to pull off her fraudulent work as the PR Director of the Las Vegas Celebrity Centre for over three years, Weiner replied, “On any given day over 2,000 raw meat wog public join Celebrity Centre Las Vegas so it was pretty easy for this Newman woman to get lost in the shuffle.”
“She was a mousy little wallflower,” Weiner concluded. “No one had any idea she was a domestic terrorist. Once she was arrested all the facts came out and we in the Church of Scientology are glad to wash our hands of this horrible woman!”
Categories: OTVIIIisGrrr8!
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 
OT8 –
We’re happy to report the summer of 2013 has proven to be anything but unlucky. Our newly created PUBLICITY stat is straight up and vertical!! COB called for more publicity back in the spring to counter the Lawrence Wright and Jenna Hill entheta. Our goal was simple – create headlines. Raise the awareness. Keep people talking about the most ethical people on the planet.
We started with the proven adage that “No publicity is bad publicity and all publicity is good publicity”, Based on this simple concept, the Church of Scientology has enjoyed a tidal wave of success this summer that hearkens back to the days when TC was jumping on couches.
Leah Rimini, Shelley, and now Devon Newman. When an egg breaks, we don’t cry. Nope. We just serve it scrambled. The summer of 2013 will be remembered as a veritable omelet of information about the church.
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Captain, you are correct: We in the Church of Scientology make a very tasty lemonade out of the nasty glycol and alcohol mix the Founder left us.
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“Now that we got that fixed, Las Vegas will start booing again.”
BAAHAAAHAAA
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Can “Hooing” be far behind?
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Doh!
Dr. Wiener goofed the floof! He meant “booming” but the damage is done. Time for Dr. Weiner to go sweat under the hot Clearwater sun sawing up the oaks we cut down to make way for COB’s giant circus tent!
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What? We were not discussing the floof. You must stay on topic. Your cooperation in this matter is appreciated.
By the way, where is Shelly?
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What? We were discussing Dbloch blown out by his wins and fully exterior while scouting Lunar maria for potential new Ideal Org locations.
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The nerve of this downstat wog Devon Newman, dragging the dauntless, defiant, and resolute name of Scientology through the mud!
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We in RTC don’t know what’s gotten into all these women who think they can just up and attack the Church of Scientology and COB.
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Right, and all those high-ranking people like Mike Rinder, Marty Rathbun and Jason Beghe who are saying bad things about the Church.
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Even though Ms. Newman is a terrorist and Scientology imposter, staff at the Las Vegas Celebrity Center found her likeable and quite entertaining. As a result, staff took up a collection towards her $200,000 bond. With just less that $40 collected, two staff Sea Org members thought fortunes could be changed and headed to the nickle slots at the Excalibur. After 12 hours of non-stop play, enough money was raised for the Sea Org members to dine at the Tournamnet of Kings dining show and recieve two free DQ Blizzards at the Fun Dungeon. The Sea Org members did meet a Wayne Newton impersonator who, for $200 would go the the county lock-up and serenade Ms. Newman with a rousing version of Danke Schoen through the glass. New goals have been set and the Las Vegas CC will accept any and all contributions.
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What a positive uplifting story of compassion and decency!! I’d like to donate a volume from the Deluxe Leather bound Basics for her to contemplate while incarcerated.
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Very thoughtful of you to donate a set of deluxe leatherbound Basics to this woman as she will be in the slammer for a long time.
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Dr. Weiner can’t stay away from those DQ Blizzards and that is why he is so rotund. The DQ Blizzard in all of its multitudinous forms is Dr. Weiner’s ruin.
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And LRH was never a Satanist. The nerve of Jack Parsons or Alistair Crowley to suggest that he ever was.
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What? We weren’t even discussing Satan. We were discussing the DQ Blizzard. Please stay on topic in order to avoid enturbulating your fellow Scientologists here. We in RTC thank you in advance for your cooperation in this matter.
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Of course! It all makes sense now. I found myself wondering how a Scientologist,..an OT VIII nonetheless, could do something like this!
You just indicated my correct item! I am now keyed out and exterior. I am looking at my body from the moon! It’s amazing.
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The miracle of the Tech: Our man Dbloch is now fully exterior with VGI’s, this while enjoying a lunar sightseeing excursion! This success story goes in the next edition of Source Magazine!
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Of course alleged domestic terrorist Devon Newman was never a Scientologist! She was a Russian spy!
Our sources tell us that her real name is Daria Neproshkinavanov and she was working under another infamous soviet infiltrator known as Sara Komkosadamanov, who posed as Sara Northrup at the time.
The good news – there are currently 4,000 fully exterior OT’s working full time on confronting the SMERSH in the theta universe and destimulating their criminal dramatizations simply by focused Tone 40 tough theta flow!
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These 4,000 fully exterior OT’s are also busy scouting out all the money that Church parishioners are hiding from the IAS.
We in RTC want every last penny and aim to get it — even if it means more fully legal ecclesiastical beatings and imprisonment!
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So true!
Them money ain’t gonna donate themselves to the IAS.
It takes a well-organized group of OT’s to succeed in a wog world.
L. Ron Hubbard said so (after Rhodesia and before the Sea Org).
One have to impinge hard and long enough, with Tone 40 OT ferociousness to achieve the desired compliance, that matches the ideal scene, from the lower-level thetans whose reluctance is driven by their collective reactive mind, false purposes and misunderstood words.
Paraphrasing great humanitarian Al Capone –
“Don’t mistake my kindness as weakness, Bitch. I will straight fuck you up.”
Hence, 40 fully exterior OT’s burning the midnight oil for the sake of mankind.
Let’s clear this planet! To LRH!
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