Clearwater, Florida is Rapidly Sinking into the Gulf of Mexico!

Shocking news from the US Geological Service was released today. The City of Clearwater, Florida is rapidly sinking into the Gulf of Mexico!

Reporting on the study, USGS Chief Geologist Dr. Mike Fairbanks declared, “Clearwater has already sank three feet into the Gulf of Mexico. This is about ‘half a meter’ if one wishes to use those crazy and illogical European units of measure. At this rate, Clearwater and  the entire surrounding area will be under fifty feet of water by 2018 unless we reverse the situation that is causing Clearwater to sink.”

In declaring a state of emergency, Clearwater Mayor Bradley Perkins gave a sobering assessment of the situation. “Actual studies by the US Geological Survey have proven that that the massive expansion of the Church of Scientology is causing Clearwater and the surrounding area to sink into the ocean. There is flooding everywhere!”

Mayor Perkins was unequivocal in his remarks. “The fact is that the Church of Scientology — under the dynamic leadership of Mr. David Miscavige — has expanded more in the past three years that it did in the previous sixty years. Whereupon, the Church has built several billion square feet of real estate in Clearwater in order to supports it’s straight up and vertical highest ever stratospheric expansion.”

“While this has boomed the economy of Clearwater to become the sixth largest economy in the world rivaled only by Germany, Texas, and California, the fact is that the actual landmass of Clearwater cannot physically sustain the weight of Scientology’s expansion. Government experts have told us that the aggregate weight of the Church in Clearwater, and this includes all of those fat OT’s, is on the order of 800 trillion metric tons.”

“We need the Church to help us out here,” Mayor Perkins pleaded. “There is no way Clearwater will be able to handle another Church auditorium, Super Power building, hotel, library, or RPF religious prison.”

“We can’t even fit one more E-Meter into the City of Clearwater without drowning everyone for miles around,” City Manager Freda Gomez somberly concluded.

COB RTC David Miscavige responded immediately to help Clearwater by ordering three hundred million Scientologists to do their services in outer Orgs.

Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion summarized the matter by saying , “Something dramatic is being done about the problem. Very soon the population of public Scientology parishioners in Clearwater will return to normal historical levels, which is to say that one could turn marauding packs of Scientologist-eating lions loose in downtown Clearwater and, except for Sea Org members, they would starve.”

11 responses to “Clearwater, Florida is Rapidly Sinking into the Gulf of Mexico!

  1. I have a message for Mayor Perkins…We’re cause…you’re effect. You figure out what to do to handle the ensuing flood.

    COB is a competent leader, and even Admiral Tom Cruise said “he’s met all the other leaders.” Scientologists are POURING into CW, and not since Moses led the Jews out of Egypt to freedom has there been such a mass of people following their savior.

    Get with your other wog elected officials and figure out what to do….not our problem


    • A youth with a mission.

      Well, it seems the actual reason is that they need to discontinue building structures, not just The COS but, everyone else as well. It just so happens that the COS is pushing to continue development, which I’m opinion is Asinine. So if anything the COS should help these people who happen to be following them, because if they don’t then they have personality disorders beyond any help. You should want to help people, especially your own people when you have the finances to support helping them. And we all know the COS is loaded…


  2. Will COB order all local Scientologists to wade into the ocean and postulate the water away like they do with tropical storms?


  3. OT8, relax. This is just the MEST world. Plus, you all have OT8 powers and can move the water away from the California cost.


  4. unitgxenusotherfist

    Uh-oh. Now there’s trouble.

    Quick, someone audit that place back to where it was, STAT! Start by removing any and all fast food outlets in the immidiate area.


  5. Currently there are millions of Scientologists who have multiple pallets of the Basics shrink wrapped, lying around and ready to go. Use the books to build a couple of sea walls and fill in Tampa Bay, creating a few artificial islands like Dubai has done. With OT powers, a project like this could be done by Labor Day.


    • Now that is a bright idea! We can order Scientologists to buy billions of plastic clamshell packages of LRH lectures to build a seawall around Clearwater.

      In order to keep the plastic clamshell packages from floating away they will of course need to be filled with concrete to weigh them down.

      After we build a thirty foot seawall around Clearwater using five hundred billion clamshell packages we can then have a wog engineering firm cover it with three feet of concrete so that the ocean waves do not destroy the delicate plastic clamshell packages.

      This is a truly great use of the Tech to save every man, woman, and child in Clearwater from certain death!


  6. “We’re sinking….fast.”

    It’s a familiar refrain we’ve heard in our familiarization tour of the thousands of Ideal Orgs, but without perspective one could mistakenly conclude the comments were referring to bodies in shop since the Leah Rimini flap.

    Thank you for clearing this up!.


    • Well done on conducting your own familiarization tour of the thousands of Ideal Orgs. We hold you up as a model Scientologist who looks for him or herself and refuses to listen to natter, entheta, or enemy lines.

      So how crowded were they?


  7. There is only one way COB and save the Tampa/Clearwater area. Use the Sea Arggghhhh tech of ‘Ideal Tents’ and fill the tents with helium. The resulting lift will save Southern Florida and make easy Donald Duck impersonations. You may be tempted to cut corners and rely on the typical Sea Argghh diet of rice and beans to fill up the tents. Don’t do that, the risk of fire is too great and methane is a very bad green house gas.


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