Shocking news from the US Geological Service was released today. The City of Clearwater, Florida is rapidly sinking into the Gulf of Mexico!
Reporting on the study, USGS Chief Geologist Dr. Mike Fairbanks declared, “Clearwater has already sank three feet into the Gulf of Mexico. This is about ‘half a meter’ if one wishes to use those crazy and illogical European units of measure. At this rate, Clearwater and the entire surrounding area will be under fifty feet of water by 2018 unless we reverse the situation that is causing Clearwater to sink.”
In declaring a state of emergency, Clearwater Mayor Bradley Perkins gave a sobering assessment of the situation. “Actual studies by the US Geological Survey have proven that that the massive expansion of the Church of Scientology is causing Clearwater and the surrounding area to sink into the ocean. There is flooding everywhere!”
Mayor Perkins was unequivocal in his remarks. “The fact is that the Church of Scientology — under the dynamic leadership of Mr. David Miscavige — has expanded more in the past three years that it did in the previous sixty years. Whereupon, the Church has built several billion square feet of real estate in Clearwater in order to supports it’s straight up and vertical highest ever stratospheric expansion.”
“While this has boomed the economy of Clearwater to become the sixth largest economy in the world rivaled only by Germany, Texas, and California, the fact is that the actual landmass of Clearwater cannot physically sustain the weight of Scientology’s expansion. Government experts have told us that the aggregate weight of the Church in Clearwater, and this includes all of those fat OT’s, is on the order of 800 trillion metric tons.”
“We need the Church to help us out here,” Mayor Perkins pleaded. “There is no way Clearwater will be able to handle another Church auditorium, Super Power building, hotel, library, or RPF religious prison.”
“We can’t even fit one more E-Meter into the City of Clearwater without drowning everyone for miles around,” City Manager Freda Gomez somberly concluded.
COB RTC David Miscavige responded immediately to help Clearwater by ordering three hundred million Scientologists to do their services in outer Orgs.
Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion summarized the matter by saying , “Something dramatic is being done about the problem. Very soon the population of public Scientology parishioners in Clearwater will return to normal historical levels, which is to say that one could turn marauding packs of Scientologist-eating lions loose in downtown Clearwater and, except for Sea Org members, they would starve.”