Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion today decried the psychotic SP film critics who are savaging Scientologist Will Smith’s new film After Earth.
“The massively negative reviews are happening only because Will Smith is a dedicated Scientologist,” Delusion told the assembled reporters at the Scientology One News Bureaux in Hollywood.
“The film itself is one of the best SciFi movies ever made and Will Smith should rightfully sweep the Academy Awards, but no! Big Pharma owns the film critics and has them all doped up on megadoses of Psych drugs,” Delusion declared.
“Why just look at all of these totally entheta reviews that the ravening Psychs at Huffpo plastered on their stupid website!” he added.
The collection of bad reviews for After Dark assembled and posted at the Huffington Post:
“M. Night Shyamalan’s “After Earth” has received such horrible reviews that it makes ‘The Hangover Part III’ look good by comparison. The new film, starring Will Smith and his son Jaden, debuted on Friday to a decidedly rotten Rotten Tomatoes score of just 14 percent, making it one of the most critically reviled films of the summer thus far. (For what it’s worth, ‘After Earth’ is still ahead of the pace of ignominy set by Shyamalan’s last effort, “The Last Airbender.”) Ahead, the nine most scathing reviews of “After Earth.”
“1. Is ‘After Earth’ the worst movie ever made? Maybe not; there’s always ‘Battlefield Earth’ to remind us how low the bar can go. But that’s the wrong question, since it implies that this bizarre enterprise is a movie in the conventional sense.” — Joe Morgenstern, Wall Street Journal
“2. Have alien body snatchers made off with M. Night Shyamalan? There is no small irony that this sci-fi action adventure is about surviving a serious crash. The scorched earth left behind by ‘After Earth’ is sure to leave a scar on everyone involved.” — Betsy Sharkey, Los Angeles Times
“3. Once upon a time, Hollywood parents gave their children sports cars as gifts. These days, apparently nothing less than a big-screen vanity project will do for Junior.” — Manhola Dargis, New York Times
“4. Summer 2013 has its first bomb, and sadly, it’s landed right on Will Smith.” — Joe Neumaier, New York Daily News
“5. The level to which ‘After Earth’ is a catastrophe is amazing, but what’s even more impressive is the lengths everyone must have had to gone to for such an epic level of failure.” — Laremy Legel, Film.com
“6. Though he shares screenplay credit with Gary Whitta, Shyamalan is clearly a director-for-hire here, his disinterest palpable from first frame to last.” — Scott Foundas, Variety
“7. By the standards of M. Night’s Shyamalan’s recent films, ‘After Earth’ is surprisingly not horrible.” — David Edelstein, New York
“8. Not since John Travolta kicked the tires on ‘Battlefield Earth’ and pronounced it good to go has there been a big-name sci-fi flameout quite as disastrous as Will Smith’s ‘After Earth.'” — Kurt Loder, Reason
“9. Yes, it’s that bad. — Peter Travers, Rolling Stone”
Categories: OTVIIIisGrrr8!
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 
We in RTC are doing our best to fend off attacks against Will Smith and After Dark in the comments section of the Hollywood Reporter:
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These are all just silly coincidences and SPs deviant imagination.
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Now that is what we in RTC call a highly deluxe image!
Well done.
No beatings for you today!
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Well, Huffington Post got it wrong.
The movie was not rated 14% at Rotten Tomatoes!
It was 12%.
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WHAT DOES ROTTEN TOMATOES KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING?!
IT IS A PSYCH HATER SITE!
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With these disastrous reviews, I hope COB is not sulking in his room. Or screaming at you in RTC and threatening to throw you in the RPF. Or singing along to “Feelings” with his in-home Karaoke system.
May I suggest that the only way out is through, as Scientology is fond of saying. The best bet for you in RTC is to combine both “Battlefield Earth” and “After Earth” and create a sequel. You could call it “After Battlefield Earth: The Musical.” The reviews for that movie would pretty much write themselves, as in:
From the selection of Joe Francis — he of Girls Gone Wild fame — as the director for this movie, to the choice of Jenna Elfman as the female lead, Scientology has achieved a perfect trifecta. It is now responsible for three of the worst movies ever made. When Ms. Elfman began belting out the movie’s opening song, “Wogs and Baby Rapers,” several people quickly fled the movie theater, holding their hands over their ears. More screeching barn owl than Ethel Merman, Ms. Elfman was — well, let’s just say her acting is marginally better than her singing. Word is that David Miscavige, Chairman of the RTC, had a hand in this movie, just as he did with Battlefield Earth and After Earth. Our advice to Mr. Miscavige: Don’t you have a religion to run (into the ground)?
It’s pretty clear that this would easily make every list of The Top Ten Worst Movies Ever Made, which would satiate the blood lust of the critics. It would also end COB’s desire to keep his hand in the movie business. You in RTC could then go about your business and do what you do best: Pressing more vinyl for COB’s new Theta Jazz series. Stepping up production of COB’s Highly Deluxe Gentleman’s Pomade with Mink Oil. Auditioning new wives for Tom Cruise.
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Thetaesque, people who blather on and on about how Battlefield Earth was the worst movie ever have obviously never seen Turkish cinema, particularly the death scene from the 1973 film Kareteci Kız:
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That man looks like he just read some OT materials.
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OT8, are you saying that wogs are too psychotic to understand the brilliance behind After Earth?
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Exactly.
Wogs are too stupid to understand what is important and that is why they are not Scientologists!
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‘After Earth’ needs dredlocks and doc martins and codpieces. I like the trailer part where the space ship crashes, but the best space ship crash is still in ‘Pitch Black’.
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But zemoo surely you will agree that codpieces are so hard to find except in gay bondage settings… oh nevermind!
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Being unfamiliar with “codpiece”, I attempted to word clear it like a good scientologist. The images supplied by google cleared it right up. It’s that thing COB always calls his man-bra.
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Noted SP Marc Headley also has a review of After Earth http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/a-scientologist-reviews-earth-guest-561310
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For security purposes, movie prints are sent to theatres under ficticious titles. Our local bijou received “12 Bucks Down the Drain” and guess what was inside?
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This?
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No, that one came as “Zen and the Art of Colostomy Bag Maintenance.”
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