Scientology Purchasing North Korean Children For Use as Low Cost Sea Org Labor

Happy Sea Org cadets being trained for their duties at Scientology’s tax free bases.

Due to the sharp decrease in Sea Org recruitment in the West, we in RTC have arranged for the purchase of children from North Korea. These children will be placed into the Church of Scientology’s Sea Org immediately upon release from quarantine by US Immigration.

Costing $3,000 apiece, each of these Sea Org children will work for 300 weeks at $10 per week to pay Sea Org back their acquisition cost. After they pay off Sea Org, they will receive the standard $10 stipend that the Church of Scientology thoughtfully gifts its dedicated Sea Org religious volunteers each week.

Commenting on this latest personnel move, Captain David Miscavige said, “The fact that these children do not speak English and are not educated does not pose a problem as making beds, gardening, scrubbing toilets and so forth does not require education — and in fact the lack of an education is a benefit in any Sea Org career path.”

“Indeed,” stated Captain Miscavige, “I dropped out of publik skool in the tenth graid and never looked back.”

26 replies »

  1. “Commenting on this latest personnel move, COB RTC David Miscavige noted that, “The fact that these children do not speak English….”

    I take it, that they will then be assigned to answer phones.


    • We in RTC will train the most savage and antisocial of these children to be Ethics Officers, MAA’s. and regges. COB feels that a new level of savagery is needed in the Church to increase donations and production.

      As the entire Church of Scientology has only made one Class V auditor in the entire past year, we in RTC will assign many of these children to be trained as auditors to make up for the planetary shortage of Scientology auditors.

      The most dexterous children will join other Sea Org children who already work on our iTheta assembly lines building e-meters, surveillance cameras, eavesdropping equipment, and other purpose-built Scientology electronics.

      Most of the children will of course perform manual labor such as doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, mopping floors, and soliciting donations for Scientology front groups at airports and other public places.

      The children who do not work out can be exchanged for better children within a one year period. This is why we liked the lease-purchase adoption program. The North Korean children that Scientology returns will apparently be sold at a bulk bulk rate to the Jehovah’s Witnesses.


    • It’s not that we in RTC are low life’s. It’s rather that the lease-purchase adoption program of children explained to us by North Korean Capitalists made financial sense to us. The return on investment is excellent as these children will give us 50 to 80 years of labor. This lowered labor cost over decades will allow we in RTC to purchase more real estate and thus expand our Ideal Orgs.


  2. We in Global Capitalism HQ salute you in RTC for bringing a form of capitalism to North Korea. We’ve been trying to “open them up” to capitalism for quite a while, and have only been modestly successful. As you can imagine, since North Korea is one of the few places on earth that has successfully resisted nearly every form of capitalism, we take our failure there somewhat personally.

    We’re doing pretty well with our bazaars just over the Yalu river in China selling South Korean DVD’s, cell phones, iPods and other essentials of modern life to North Korean refugees, but we haven’t been able to cut a deal with the government yet. We do hope that you’re not too successful in your venture, however, because we really want the North Koreans to stay focused on exporting missile parts to countries like Iran and Syria — though we don’t profit from this directly, we make plenty of money in our wholly-owned subsidiary, Military-Industrial Complex, Inc., selling missiles to the Pentagon to counter the imagined North Korean threat.

    We might suggest a mutually beneficial arrangement, however, to bolster the trade: if you wouldn’t mind helping us sell psych drugs into North Korea, that would offset the shipping cost for each of the kids that you bring over here for your little empire. There is abundant precedent for your willingness to compromise principle, even the holiest of missives laid down by your founder, in the pursuit of profit. What say we try and work out a deal away from these prying wog eyes?


  3. We in RTC are happy to report that Kim Jong-un — the Supreme Leader of North Korea — is presently being audited on Life Repair in Ideal Org Pyongyang, a majestic facility at the foot of Mount Belzoni.

    The Supreme Leader is enjoying the splendiferous wins of Life Repair in which all of the stops and barriers to life and livingness are blown away by the 100% application of the Tech. In his latest success story he reports having the cognition that he is now free from somatics in his left eye that have affected him since a marauding seagull pecked him in the eye at age eight.

    So yes, RTC will not be bartering for Psych drugs in the glorious People’s Republic of North Korea on behalf of decadent, kicked-in-the-head, Capitalist reactionary tools of the Rockefeller-Nixon Trilateral Illuminati. And yes, North Korea does not need Psych drugs when it now has Scientology technology at its disposal.

    Auditing Kim Jong-un’s ruin in exchange for the lease-purchase of children for the Sea Org has proven to be a win/win for both sides. Moreover, as if to recap by way of summarizing, COB RTC David Miscavige’s brilliant plan is unfolding: Once Kim Jong-un attests Clear, COB will have the leader of North Korea demand that America put Scientology study tech in all public schools and Scientology business tech in all government agencies as a condition of ending the North Korean nuclear programme.

    COB’s strategy is already being implemented in Iran. We in RTC are pleased to report that Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei is now a Grade III Release and is headed to Clear and OT!

    Step by step, the Church of Scientology will take over the World by unexpected and surprising means.


    • We in Global Capitalism HQ were surprised to hear that Ideal Org Pyongyang is located at the foot of Mount Belzoni, the second most sacred mountain in all of North Korea, behind Mount Baekdu, which North Koreans consider sacred, and where the North Korean propaganda machine has convinced its citizenry that recently deceased Kim Jong-Il (Nut Boy 2.0) was born. Of course, since Kim Jong-Il was reknowned for staying up late and getting up later, perhaps Mt. Belzoni is appropriate after all, since the Kim clan are real “nightflys” in their sleep habits.

      We had somehow thought that you in RTC would have made the obvious play for your Ideal Org Pyongyang, buying the shell of the 105-story Ryugyong Hotel after it sat uncompleted for nearly 25 years and then embarking on a years-long fund raising campaign to accumulate the dough needed to finish the project. We’re surprised that this structure, which dominates the Pyongyang skyline, and which looks sort of like a rocket ready to ascend to Target 2, wasn’t your first choice. Check out the pictures here.

      We’re sorry that you are suggesting that you can do without our generous offer of a partnership to sell psych drugs into North Korea. We’re surprised to see you standing so vehemently on principle about psych drugs on this one. After all, the Hubbard observations about the difficulty of training black South Africans (“The South African native is probably the one impossible person to train in the entire world–he is probably impossible by any human standard.” Professional Auditor’s Bulletin 119, 1 Sept. 1957) were quickly set aside, nay, jettisoned, when you were negotiating your little partnership with Rev. Farrakhan and the Nation of Islam. Were you to take on the Ryugyong Hotel project, frankly, we expect to hear from you about our little psych drug brokerage offer within a week or two, once you have sized up the fund raising challenges in getting that particular building open for the throngs of eager converts you’re hoping to receive.

      Incidentally, we would suggest that you avoid trying to negotiate that the North Koreans wear pins with L. Ron Hubbard’s face on their clothing along with the pin of the three generations of Nut Boy rulers of North Korea. We’d advise you to tread lightly on that one, or you’ll end up in one of their gulags, where the rice and beans diet on the RPF or the random assortment of slops diet in the Hole will seem like dinner in one of the five-star restaurants we in Global Capitalism HQ frequent nightly by comparison.


  4. We in RTC must inform Global Capitalism HQ that it is too clever by half when it comes to the Ryugyong Hotel. The problem with this property is that it is partially completed and therefore does not allow for COB RTC David Miscavige to do a groundbreaking ceremony, after which money is raised for a fifty year design and construction process.

    On the other hand, GC HQ is tracking with we in RTC perfectly: We have in fact acquired the Ryugyong Hotel and will rechristen it Flag Land Base East in a ceremony to be held in the Spring of 2013. To this end, we in RTC have purchased an additional 5,000 North Korean children to staff Flag Land Base East (FLBE).

    Groundbreaking for the Super Power Building East — to be located next to FLBE — will begin this month. We have already had Sea Org order 1,000 golden shovels for this event, which event itself will be a national holiday in North Korea.

    A moment of silence will be observed at this event to remember the late Scientologist Moamar Qaddafi.


    • 5,000 North Korean children will get you only an average-sized dance cadre. You’re thinking a little small by North Korean standards, and you won’t make the splash you think you want.

      You really want to study the “Arirang Games” a bit more closely. They use about 100,000 people in the stadium for all sorts of dance numbers, card section displays, and other stuff that makes the Super Bowl halftime show look like amateur night. I am sure that your new friends in the government will be happy to rent you the Arirang crew in the off-season (the big show every year is in April to celebrate the birthday of Nut Boy 1.0, the Eternal President).


  5. Wait. Slow down. I am so confused. Was that picture taken in North Korea or in the offices on LRH Way? The two are practically indistinguishable. They have a really nice facade for the public but when you get behind the walls it looks like the place hasn’t been cleaned or upgraded since 1925.


    • Yes, one reason we in RTC urgently need North Korean children is so that we can have a decent janitorial staff that cannot blow. It seems that Sea Org janitors are always blowing as they cannot confront MEST.

      We in RTC think the privilege of cleaning any Scientology facility — particularly COB RTC David Miscavige’s private quarters — is an honor.

      Why just look at how COB’s private quarters simply sparkle with Theta:

      (photos from uglyhouse.com)


  6. Uhh, that’s a big FLUNK, OTVIII!! Those orphans of yours, or whatever, are sad shadows compared to these strong, eager, and stylish young tone 40 women that the Oprah has been cultivating:

    You in the RTC, and your N. Korean minions, are being put to shame by this wog TV talker! How do do you account for this?


  7. Just wanted to pass along the fact that there is plenty of space available in the Ryugyong Hotel for your planned Ideal Org Pyongyang. Apparently, the plan is to open the hotel sometime next year with only 150 rooms on the top few floors, which leaves approximately 100 floors vacant.

    Presumably they’re looking for tenants to sublease most of the hulking building. One drawback: several Westerners who considered investing in completing the project took one look at the elevator shafts, which are apparently so crooked that they will never actually be usable, so they believe the entire building is trashed. But you could show them all how tough Scientologists are. As you in RTC undoubtedly know, the elevators in the Berlin Ideal Org are not working because the Org can’t afford the maintenance contract, so the staff now gets, in addition to all the free rice and beans they can eat, a high-theta exercise program that saves them the cost of a gym membership, because they can now run up and down seven flights of stairs all day while doing their jobs. See here for a reminder: http://markrathbun.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/scientology-inc-phoenix-fraud/#comment-210046

    More details about the current state of the Ryugyong Hotel are in today’s BBC News story: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-20178985.

    Of course, any parallels between the 24 years it’s taken to open the Ryugyong Hotel, the most impressive building from the slave labor-owning paranoid secretive cult of North Korea and the 24 years it’s taken to open the Super Powers building of Scientology are purely coincidental.


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