Long Island at the Epicenter of Scientology Planetary Expansion!

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Led by Patron Triple Scoop, Diamond Laureate Excelsius IAS, and New OTVIII William “Big Billy” Parks, the Long Island OT Committee is at the epicenter of Scientology Planetary Expansion.

“As you can see from our award-winning video,” Parks said, ” Long Island OT’s are winning in life. And that’s why we have vowed to salvage Long Island. But to to do this requires an Ideal Org. After all, Long Island can only be salvaged if there is an Ideal Org. Besides, we owe it to COB and the group to get the hell out of this rented craphole we’re in now.”

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“Grab some free pizza, get your phone, and start calling people. We need to raise a few million dollars for our Ideal Org. Now get to work! We have an island to salvage!”

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Church of Scientology Medal of Honor

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Captain David Miscavige is pleased to announce the striking of the highest medal of donation in the Scientology ecclesiastical hierarchy of medals of donation.

CDM.10The new Church of Scientology Medal of Honor will be personally  awarded by Captain Miscavige to Scientologists for all conspicuous donations above $25,000 to the Ideal Org program.

This means giving without fear in the face of certain financial danger to one’s self in order to pay for some more buildings.

The new Church of Scientology Medal of Honor is a companion medal to the new $10,000 Anzac Medal issued by the Church.

Captain David Miscavige will also soon be releasing the IAS Silver Star as well as the Dianetics Victoria Cross for heroic donations. Scientologists are encouraged to collect the entire set medals for conspicuous donationry.

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New Church of Scientology Ad Campaign for Fall 2014

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“The Church of Scientology’s new ad campaign for Fall 2014 is based upon a popular internet meme,” Church spokesman Ken Delusion announced during his daily press briefing at the Scientology One News Bureaux.

“The theme of the ad is simple: Wogs are stupid.”

“We are using this theme as we in the Church of Scientology doctrinally maintain that wogs, or non-Scientologists,  are stupid. Wogs are all hypnotized, asleep, dead-in-the-head robots who are generically stupid.”

“We also call wogs homo saps.

“The only cure for wog stupidity is a few hundred thousand dollars worth of Scientology courses and training,” Delusion remarked.

“This new Church of Scientology ad is sure to boom the Orgs by driving in millions of wogs who don’t want to keep on being stupid.  We in Scientology are in the IQ-raising business after all,” spokesman Delusion concluded.

Announcing Flag’s “All You Can Audit” Special!

Dr. Eldon Weiner, CO Enforced Happiness

Dr. Eldon Weiner, CO Marketing Development, Flag Land Base

“Folks are just so doggone crazy about those “all you can eat” specials at wog restaurants,” observed Dr. Eldon Weiner, CO Marketing Development, Flag Land Base.

“The Olive Garden offered its  a ‘Never Ending Pasta Bowl‘ last year and served 13,000,000 bowls of pasta! That’s a whole lotta pasta!”

“And that’s why we at Flag are jumping on the ‘all you can eat’ bandwagon by offering our own All You Can Audit! special for the next three months!

DM.117“We want folks to come to Flag and splurge on auditing all day everyday!

“Take as many intensives as you want and gorge yourselves on endless F/N’s and wins!”

“Flag’s super-exciting and super-theta All You Can Audit! special works this way: Donate $250,000 on advance payment, grab the cans, and let err rip!”

“We have a coupla’ hundred Flag auditors ready and waiting, not busy, willing and able to rocket pc’s up the Bridge. So come to Flag today and start winning!”

Disclaimer: $250,000 nonrefundable for eternity. All participants agree to re-do and complete the Basics and the GAT II Purif when they route onto the All You Can Audit! promotional program. Participants further agree to neve, ever, ever  sue COB RTC, FSO, FSSO, CSI, RTC, IAS, CST, CSRT, SIRT, SOR, YSCOHB, WISE, ABLE, or even the defunct CSC. All disputes are subject to arbitration in the Netherland Antilles at your expense before our hand-picked Cuban magistrate and his brutal deputies. All ordered Ethics cycles, sec checks retreads, and redos must be paid for with new money. All course materials must be paid for with new money. Success stories must praise COB RTC for his glorious works or a fine of $50,000 and a significant beating out back in the alley will be assessed for each infraction. The All You Can Audit! promotion additonally requires that participants stay in shared (eight to a room) Flag-only accommodations and eat only at Flag restaurants. Super Power Rundowns not included in this promotion. Further, this promotion specifically excludes free drink refills at all Flag restaurants so don’t even ask! A fuel surcharge of $150 per day per person for The Freewinds applies. All cell phones, laptops, and other electronic devices must be surrendered upon check in. All passports and other forms of personal identification must be surrendered upon check in. All participants agree to undergo regular body cavity searches and head x-rays.  Psychiatrists are excluded from this offer. Participants agree to not rabbit from the Purif, blow the Base, or go Type III on any public sidewalk or street.

Blown Sea Org Member Recovered After 43 Years!

Clear.GAT.11“You can run but you can’t hide,” declared Sea Org Commander Linda Beater, CO of BSOMRU (Blown Sea Org Member Recovery Unit).

“And so when Melden Fenster blew the Sea Org in 1971 after two years of service and ‘went to ground’ he thought he was safe — especially as the decades went on.”

“But then, as he dozed on a park bench last week, a team of elite BSOMRU agents pounced upon the 83 year old Fenster.”

“Do you recognize this contract?” a BSOMRU agent asked the dazed Fenster. “You signed it for a billion years and you still owe the Church 999,999,998 years! And then there is the matter of your Freeloader Bill of $23,712.00 plus compounded interest. We’re talking $378,129,821!”

“Fenster is now in the RPF making up the damage he has done to the group.  His family may ransom him from the RPF by paying his Freeloader Bill,” said Commander Beater. “Other than that, we own him because let’s face it: The Church of Scientology is basically a gigantic contract of adhesion and we can do whatever we want to our members. They have no choice.”

The Freewinds Crippled and Adrift in the Ocean!

Freewinds2“The MV Freewinds has run out of fuel, electrical power, and food somewhere between Aruba and Cartagena,” reported Commander Ken Delusion of the Scientology Maritime Bureaux.

“The ship is now drifting aimlessly out to sea. The real danger is here is of the CIA, SMERSH, Interpol, the Psychs, Global Capitalism HQ, and other pirates boarding the ship and stealing OT VIII course packs.”

“The toilets are not working, there is no food, and there is no air conditioning in the brutal summer heat, however, these things are only meat body concerns,” Delusion noted.

“The real crisis here is that emergency cash donations are needed to refuel and re-provision The Freewinds at sea. The OT VIII course packs must be kept from falling into the wrong hands! Money is needed now, now, now for the rescue operation!”

jp-cruise-articleLargeLeft: Delirious from the heat and a lack of food and water, Freewinds passengers were spotted signaling for help to an IAS helicopter. A note was dropped asking for credit card numbers and cash.

“It would be out exchange to simply rescue Freewinds passenger and crew unless they paid first,” Delusion commented. “So unless their families and Scientology parishioners come up with some money fast, the fate of The Freewinds and all the thetans onboard is left to the cruel whims of King Neptune.”

GAT II Preclears Going Exterior With No Perceptions!

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“Scientologists on GAT II are going exterior with no perceptions in record numbers,” enthused Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

Exterior with No Perceptions is the single most important GAT II technical breakthrough ever achieved by COB,” Delusion noted. “This state is, in fact, New OT X.”

“While ‘Exterior with No Perceptions’ may resemble sleep or even bodily death,” Delusion observed, “this state is actually the very advanced the EP of New OT X: The Comatosis of Total Dedication.”