Costume Fundraising Now a Bridge Action!

“Following COB’s ecclesiastical triumph of relocating the Purif and TR’s and Objectives to their rightful place high atop the Bridge after New OT VIII, Mr.  Miscavige has now found another piece of missing Tech,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “And this particular piece of missing Tech is so vital and planetary-changing that it has become a very advanced OT Bridge action. This action is in fact OT IX.”

“And yes, COB is speaking of Costume Fundraising as the new and exact technical action that will blow all of the barriers and stops to true planetary clearing. So vital is Costume Fundraising is that OT III is its prerequisite, for only OT III’s and above can truly handle and confront dressing up like pirates or Star Wars characters in order to raise money for Ideal Orgs”

“Seriously,” Delusion stressed, “Costume Fundraising is harder than it looks. One really needs to choke down their case, and even their pride, to costume fundraise and only veteran OT’s can do it. Lesser beings would blow.”


“Per COB, Costume Fundraising  is a 100% ‘on policy’ action designed to boom the Ideal Orgs. The  new GAT II OT IX Costume Fundraising level can be delivered at any Org.

“OT IX may be done after OT VIII, or, after OT III and the completion of the GAT II Purif and TR’s and Objectives. Moreover, it goes without saying that one must also be a Patron Blatherer to even be considered for invitation to the super-deluxe and exclusive GAT II OT IX.”

“GAT II OT IX includes hatting on the exact technology of Ideal Org costume fundraising, including the theft of copyrighted property for costume fundraising,” Delusion noted.

The Scientology Interfaith Project Presents Evangelist Johathon Bell

Crusading.OTsWe in the Church of Scientology recently had our girl Sylvia Stanard speak at an interfaith gathering. Sylvia’s soul-stirring speech at Chautauqua has been acclaimed for excellence in religious truth-telling.

In the spirit of Ecumenism, then, we in the Church of Scientology are pleased to offer our stage to Christian evangelist Jonathon Bell.

We selected Mr. Bell as our Interfaith speaker as we feel he best embodies and personifies the Tone Level of the Church of Scientology in 2014:

Announcing the New Church of Spiritual Technology Visitor Centers“It can all be summed up in two words,” declared Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion, “COB cares.”

“Indeed, COB cares so very, very much that he recently and fully surveyed the decaying state of the world.”

“COB’s survey included reading a few leading newspapers and magazines. COB’s survey also spanned the IAS membership gamut from the staggeringly all-important OT celebrities in glittering Hollywood to those dirty and unwashed Sea Org swampers living in strange and hostile countries such as Ireland.”

“What emerged from COB’s assessment of  world conditions,” Delusion announced, “is that the world is in dire peril and could, and quite literally so, end at any moment.”

UFO“Whether the world ends due to invaders from outer space, disease, or a madman pushing a button does not matter,” Delusion noted. “What matters is that the Church of Scientology  handle Armageddon now.”

“And so in view of this great planetary emergency, COB has ordered all Ideal Orgs immediately be converted into CST Vaults; this so that the Tech will be preserved no matter what.”

bank-vault“And indeed,” Delusion emphasized, “The Ideal Orgs these days have essentially become CST Vaults: Empty and full of pristine, untouched, unused, and well-preserved copies of the Tech.”

reception-church-of-scientology-inglewood“Manned by skeleton crews, visitors are seldom if ever seen in the Ideal Orgs — and on those very rare occasions when a visitor does appear, staff are invariably startled and shaken from their somnolence.”

“Ideal Org staff already have, essentially, the CST duties of maintaining empty Tech archives. Therefore, as no staff retraining is needed, it made sense to COB to encase the Ideal Orgs in concrete and steel and re-purpose them for use as new sites within the global network of CST Vaults.”

“However, there will be one key difference.,” Delusion remarked. “Unlike the current CST Vaults which are impregnable fortresses, COB will permit qualified, pre-screened, and sec-checked visitors into the new archival sites.”

Tajikistan“COB is proud to announce  his latest program for planetary salvage in the face of Armageddon: The stately CST Visitor Centers. Self-guided tours are available from 1:oo-3:00 PM Monday-Thursday.”

“Included in each of  the new CST Visitor Centers is an exact replica of an actual Scientology Org. Plan ahead and reserve a headset for the self-guided tour. A visitor fee of $22,935 is required. Included in this fee is the mandatory 12.5 hour sec check intensive. Visitors will be billed if additional sec check intensives are needed.”

DM.117“In other news, COB will be re-re-re-re-grand-opening Flag, CCI, PAC  Base, and St. Hill as Scientology Monasteries.”

“And so it goes without saying,” Delusion summarized by way of concluding, “that donations are urgently needed to renovate and upgrade these dingy and shopworn old buildings and turn them into Ideal Scientology Monasteries.”

The IAS Bridge to Total Patronage

cropped-dm-avatar1.png“If you did the OT Levels and became confused or stalled, well you’re not alone!” declared COB RTC David Miscavige.

“The Bridge to Total Freedom has never been properly understood due to SP Transcriptionists adding semicolons in the wrong places. Compounding these errors, semicolons were omitted altogether in other places.”

“Moreover, entire OT levels were placed in the wrong order by these same SP Transcriptionists! OT III before OT VII? No, no, no! That was the wrong order and is the why for lack of Bridge progress at Flag by our twelve million parishioners!”

“We in RTC have spent millions of hours of painstakingly troubleshooting and researching the original upper level materials. Our work has conclusively shown that OT VII was mislabeled OT III whereas OT VII was mislabeled OT III. It is no longer a mystery as to why OT’s have been stalled – and some for decades! No wonder OT’s needed hundreds or thousands of hours of TR’s and Objectives!”

“In other words, the upper levels were not in their proper order!”

SP.Bldg“But now the OT levels are in their proper order and so this amazing technical correction opens the door to Scientologists finally being able to ‘Go OT’ in the proper sequence and at the correct orders of magnitude! So come to Flag now to redo your entire OT levels,” COB said by way of laying down ecclesiastical law with an atomic branding iron.

“And if the re-sequencing of the OT levels was not enough of a brutal new technical breakthrough for you,” COB continued in breathless fashion, “the final, penultimate, and stunning new technical breakthrough is here at last,” COB enthused, “so buckle your seat belts as we light this rocket and climb into infinity on an unprecedented journey heretofore unimaginable in the annals of any history of any civilization in this or any other universe!”

The new breakthrough is that the Bridge to Total Freedom was only intended to be a Bridge to another Bridge — and yes here I speak of the Bridge to Total Freedom as the Bridge to the Bridge to the IAS Bridge to Total Patronage!”

“Scientologists were always meant to cross the Bridge to Total Freedom and walk straight onto the IAS Bridge to Total Patronage! And now this is possible and this is the epochal, history-changing technical breakthrough that is the Golden Age of Donating. Finally and at last, the exact Technology of Donating is known and achievable”

“Welcome to the future of Scientology!”

COB Fires Off the New Fundraising Police!

Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman, Office of COB

Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman, Commanding Officer. Fundraising Police

We in RTC are pleased to present another inspirational talk and call to action by Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman.


My fellow Scientologists, we in COB’s  newly created Fundraising Police have been personally fired on sweeping worldwide missions by COB himself.

Our mission orders are to locate and shatter the remaining pockets of parishioner resistance to donating all monies to the IAS now.

Surveys have shown that Scientologists these days so often natter and complain about “excessive and constant fundraising”conducted by the IAS, Flag, the Ideal Orgs, Bridge Publications, etc.

Actual research conducted by the Fundraising Police has conclusively proven that there is no “excessive and constant fundraising” going on anywhere in any Scientology organizations. Rather, the nattering is all caused by Reactive Mind phenomena, i.e. Scientologists are being banky and have gone into covert criminal agreement that there is “too much” fundraising.

Scientologists have gone solid on this psychotic computation because they have other fish to fry. Specifically, recent sec checks conducted by we in the Fundraising Police uncovered pathetic justifications for not donating money to the help COB reverse the global emergency. Claims of near-bankruptcy, unemployment, a bad economy, and so on are all a make wrong of COB and his bold plans for Planetary expansion.

These excuses are pathetic. Frankly speaking, if you are not able to earn the wherewithal to go up your IAS Bridge to Total Patronage,  then you do not belong out there in society. In his great mercy and beneficence, therefore, COB is offering a way out of the trap for those Scientologists who have become PTS to the middle class: Join the Sea Org!

What’s that? You do not wish to instantly flee your so-called “poverty” and immediately join the Sea Org where, except for underclothes, shoes, sleep, hygiene items, and toilet paper, you will be very generously provided for. Well then my dear comrade it would appear that you are not as gut-wrenchingly poor as you have been pretending. You obviously have some monies hidden away and are holding out on COB!

Report immediately to the Fundraising Police Office in your Org!

Church of Scientology Defeats the Criminal Squirrel Group Narconon!

narconon-program-book-2We in RTC were shocked to learn of a criminal Psych group using the  name of “Narconon” in order to sell a bogus “Scientology-based”  drug treatment program.

To put it bluntly, OSA has determined that Narconon is an organized criminal group of Psychs who have ripped off Scientology technology to sell a squirreled version of the Purification Rundown to drug addicts and other illegal preclears.

The Founder’s policy on the matter is quite clear: Drug addicts are illegal pc’s and would never be accepted for Scientology services. So why is Narconon pretending to deliver the Purification Rundown to illegal pc’s? Exactly: Narconon is a group of squirrels and wholetrack psych implanters.

Pope.Miscavige.2Because the “Scientology” name brand is so valuable and desirable, thousands of drug addicts and their families were swindled into paying $35,000 or more per treatment at so-called “treatment centers.” Yet, as we in RTC have learned, these “treatment centers” were dens of depravity where sex was traded for drugs and phony drug counselor certifications were used by Narconon staff members.

Acting with his usual ecclesiastical alacrity, His Supreme Holiness David Miscavige today announced that OSA Legal filed a major lawsuit against Narconon last week. Acting with lightning speed, OSA’s fancy wog attorneys yesterday negotiated and signed a final and irrevocable legal settlement with Narconon.

The terms of the settlement include:

1. Narconon today paid a settlement of 100% of its real assets and 99.999% of its cash assets to the Church of Scientology International as financial compensation for harming the valuable name and reputation of the Church of Scientology. As a result of this settlement, Narconon is left with $1.00 in operating cash and is effectively bankrupt. “We got all of Narconon’s cash before Hambo got one thin dime,” exulted Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

2. Narconon agreed to immediately cease and desist using Scientology technology in any form, squirreled or standard.

3. Senior Narconon officials including Clark Carr, Gary Smith, and Mary Reiser have admitted in sworn declarations that they are the guilty parties who spearheaded the theft of NAFC drug counselor certifications. These same officials have sworn that David Miscavige has nothing to do with Narconon or the false NAFC certifications.

4. Senior Narconon officials including Clark Carr, Gary Smith, and Mary Reiser have admitted in sworn declarations that they are the guilty parties who  engaged in suspicious billings to insurance companies that some regulators might view as  “a big damn lying fraud!” This same successful legal action of making criminals admit their wrongdoings was used by OSA in forcing the old GO crim Linda Hamel to confess that she was the Chief Psych who ordered the expensive and dangerous misadventure known as the Squirrel Busters.

5. Narconon has ordered its 80+ staff members named in the NAFC lawsuit to file sworn declarations stating that they were ordered to claim bogus NAFC certifications by Clark Carr and Gary Smith or they would be fired. All staffers have also sworn that they were never Scientologists and never heard the name “David Miscavige.” Said affiants have additionally sworn that David Miscavige has never done business in Texas and they have never personally seen David Miscavige in Texas, Oklahoma, or any of those other states where they have those giant hurricanes and tornadoes, Florida excepted.

We in RTC have just been informed by OSA that  Clark Carr and Gary Smith both filed bankruptcy today and immediately fled to an island called Curacao in the Netherland Antilles. Thereafter, both men fled by boat to an unknown location and their whereabouts are unknown.

Local DSA are available to brief all publics on this matter. In conclusion, all Scientologists can take comfort in knowing that we in RTC work tirelessly behind the scenes to safeguard the ecclesiastical purity of the Scientology religion.

The destruction of the Narconon crime syndicate is a vindication of Fleet Admiral David Miscavige’s tireless and unceasing efforts to locate and shatter suppression in all of its forms.


Ask David Miscavige Anything

CDM.10At the request of Jimmy3 on the Underground Bunker, we in RTC are making COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige available to answer all of your questions.


Please ask Mr. Miscavige anything.