Chairman Miscavige Releases Heroic Documentary of His Conquest Over SP’s!

Chairman.DaveChairman Miscavige today released his long-awaited $250,000,000 documentary. 92 hours in length and filmed in Panavision, this  ecclesiastical extravaganza has a monumental title:

The Glorious Technical Revolution of the Golden Age of Technology Phase II and its Conquest Over the Covert and Overt Enemies of the Church of Scientology in Which Chairman Miscavige Heroically Emerges as the World Savior.

The film will be screened over the next five days in the Great Hall of Exact Data. Attendance is mandatory. Many long and enthusiastic standing ovations are expected. Failure to comply will result in very strict punishments.

A young Scientologist plays Chairman Miscavige and depicts his glorious and smashing series of victories over SP’s, Psychs, and semicolons misplaced by treacherous transcriptionists secretly sent in by SMERSH.

Here we see a rousing and inspiring dramatic scene in which Chairman Miscavige rallies his loyal masses to defeat the Forces of Suppression:

Not Sea Org Slaves Anymore!

Hello,

We worked for David Miscavige and the Church of Scientology for many years.  We signed billion year contracts but were given no benefits, no minimum wage, etc. If we got sick we had no medical care — we had to go freeload at County USC and pose as indigents. Meanwhile, we worked long hours doing everything and anything David Miscavige and the Church asked for or else we would be beaten and thrown into a religious prison known as the RPF.

We were only paid $8.00 per week.

The work we hated the most was selling the Basics. One time one of us refused to sell the Basics and Davis Miscavige screamed at him, “How dare you refuse to sell the Basics after everything I’ve done for you! ” David Miscavige would not stop yelling and then punched my friend right in the nose so that he bled all over his shirt! My friend was bleeding from his nose and David Miscavige’s secret mistress Laurisse Henley-Smith took out a first-aid kit and stopped the bleeding.  Then, acting like nothing ever happened, David Miscavige threw an old shirt at my friend and said, “Here’s a new shirt so that you don’t have an overt-motivator sequence on me!”

We are consulting a lawyer. We told her everything we know and also gave her all the documentation we have. The lawyer told us that we were assault & battery victims and not religious volunteers. She said that David Miscavige’s business practices violates multiple federal and state laws like, no minimum wage, overtime, failure to withhold federal and state income tax, failure to pay unemployment and disability insurance and failure to pay worker’s compensation insurance, to name a few.

The lawyer spoke with someone at the Department of Industrial Relations who confirmed that we could go there and lodge an official complaint. They take it very seriously. The lawyer is also arranging a meeting with the IRS to discuss fraud we saw when we worked for ASI, BPI, and other places where we moved money around for David Miscavige and told lies for the Church. The attorney said we can get protection as whistleblowers.

The lawyer told us that it is illegal to for David Miscavige to beat people and to lie to his parishioners for money. The lawyer told us to report such illegal activities, and the documentation we have, to the internet and law enforcement.

Our only reason for sending you this email is to warn you not to get fooled by David Miscavige’s “kindness”. If you are working for David Miscavige see to it that your rights are not violated and get paid as the law demands.

Kind regards,

David Miscavige’s former employees who are now planning on making videos with Karen!

The Church of Scientology’s Solution to the Unemployment Problem

Chairman.Dave“Our beloved Chairman David Miscavige has announced a bold new initiative to end the unemployment problem,” declared Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“The answer is to join the Sea Org.”

“The Sea Org has a new recruitment drive underway that guarantees Chairman Miscavige’s Seven Point Plan for Freedom:

  1.  90+ hour work weeks
  2. Seven day work weeks
  3. $8.00 per week USD guaranteed most weeks
  4. A bunk in a crowded room full of bunks
  5. One toilet per 60 people
  6. Rice and beans and assorted tainted slop to eat
  7. 27% fewer beatings than in past years if your stats are up in a given week

SeaOrgJamesByrne“The Church of Scientology Sea Organization offers unlimited opportunities to be exploited by the World’s Fastest Growing Religion,” enthused Delusion.

“People who join the Sea Org in the next ninety days will receive a recruitment bonus of $10.00 plus a free pair of official ‘Top Gun’ aviator-style sunglasses!”

Ask Chairman Dave…

Chairman.Dave
Please post your questions to Chairman Dave and we in RTC will reply on behalf of our glorious leader.

COB RTC Birthday Police Are Coming to Your Org!

COB RTC Birthday Police

COB RTC Birthday Police

COB’s birthday happens on April 30 and he expects heroic and monumental birthday gifts.

Accordingly, the ultra-elite COB RTC Birthday Police will be fanning out to all Orgs beginning this weekend to collect for COB’s 2014 birthday gift.

Sea Org members are ordered to voluntarily donate 95% of their weekly stipend to the COB Birthday Fund. In order to make this work properly, Sea Org pay will be increased to $1000 during the week the collection for COB’s birthday is taken.

The IAS is offering special mandatory COB Birthday Gift statuses as well.

CDM.10$10,000: COB Birthday Gift Patron

$100,000: COB Birthday Gift Patron Extraordinaire

$500,000: COB Birthday Gift Patron Maximus

$5,000,000: COB Birthday Gift Patron Golden Meritorious With Stripes

$40,000,000: COB Birthday Gift Patron Bob Duggan Patron Maximus Platinum

Please dig deep: COB is counting on you! And yes, Scientology parishioners refusing to donate to COB’s Birthday Gift Fund will be declared SP’s.

Super Power: Did You Feel That?

“This Super Power testimonial is in no way Cultic,” declared Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “People speak and act like this all the time after doing Super Power.”

A Man Once Arrested for Rape…

“Please to allow me to get this straight,” said Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman.

Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman, CO Ethics and Image

Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman, CO Ethics and Image

“You mean to tell me that Linda Hamel and OSA are using a drug addict who was once arrested for rape to do their bidding?”

“How much tax exempt money is CO OSA INT Linda Hamel paying the drug addict? More importantly, how easy is he for the other side to flip for some money?”

“And how does this carnival amusement of OSA idiocy help we in the Department of Ethics and Image?”

“The Church of Scientology is, to its shame, perceived to be a rancid and criminal Cult due to the felonious ineptitude and glib imbecility taking place in Department 21!”

“As CO Ethics and Image, I have only two words for OSA: Squirrel Busters. These same fools in OSA who have brought the Church and COB to the brink of ruin with the Squirrel Buster misadventure are now doing what? More of the same? Yes, it is more of the same dangerous lunacy!”

“COB needs to take a giant push-broom and sweep the Church clean of these old Guardians Offices wretches!”

“What the fools in OSA should be worried about is the media getting its hands on the story of our precious Patron’s adopted children being warehoused in South Africa for a cozy arrangement of large payments for Ideal Orgs.”

“If the dirt is found on this arrangement there could be serious international problems, perhaps a flap of unprecedented magnitude.”