Ask David Miscavige Anything

CDM.10At the request of Jimmy3 on the Underground Bunker, we in RTC are making COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige available to answer all of your questions.


Please ask Mr. Miscavige anything.

Dave’s Org now open in Clearwater!

techFollowing a surprise tech inspection of Flag Service Organization, we in RTC have cancelled all FSO certs. We have additionally bypassed the negligent criminal management in CSI and have accordingly revoked all FSO licenses to use any Scientology technology.

These drastic actions were taken when FSO was found to be guilty of thousands of instances of gross Out Tech. Overt FSO products include hundreds of  so-called OT’s who have had to re-do TR’s & Objectives! This is a thing that should not be, and yet, incredibly, it is true!

Given Flag’s decertification as a Scientology church for an indefinite period of time, we in RTC would be remiss in our stewardship of the Tech if we left Flag course rooms and auditing rooms setting empty — this as they were under the now declared former management of Flag. We in RTC refuse, per policy, to punish upstat Scientologists because FSO went criminal.

cropped-david-miscavige-freewinds-event.jpgTherefore, effective immediately, and in honor of COB, FSO has been renamed “Dave’s Org.”

Dave’s Org delivers 100% RTC-certified STANDARD TECH using the astonishingly precise Ultra Mark VIII meter. In honor of this monumental event, COB has declared all GAT II arbitraries cancelled! There has never been a better time to rocket up your Bridge than right now this very minute at Dave’s Org, the friendliest place on the planet!



Dave’s Org accepts cash, checks, and credit cards. Please make all monetary instruments payable to David Miscavige S.A. of Panama. No warranties are implied or given. All SP’s found on the premises will be beaten and then bodily ejected into the back alley. No refunds. All disputes are subject to Panamanian law and may only be settled using fisticuffs and baseball bats on a seaworthy vessel sailing a southerly course in international waters. Said vessel shall have a pitiless crew of convicted felons willing to fully assist whichever party brings more cash,  gold, and rum to the fight.

Trouble in the San Fernando Valley

ValleyOrgBurbank-e1370040684470Ensign Dick Duckley of the Sea Org didn’t need the Scientology Justice Manual to tell him there was a serious flap in the San Fernando Valley. Indeed, Duckley had been fired on an urgent mission to handle.

The sit was stats.

Specifically, the worst statcrash in the history of Scientology.

The Valley had raised $1,000,000 in one week for the new Ideal Org. But then the stat crashed to $8,500. The psychotic computation of Scientologists in the Valley was that the stat crashed because “two wealthy OT’s” had each donated $500,000 in one week and did not donate the following week.

But that is not a why.

The why is why didn’t the Valley stay in Action Affluence?

As soon as Ensign Dick Duckley walked into the mandatory meeting all Valley OT Committee members had been ordered to attend, the putrid and repugnant stench of Valley’s hidden crimes almost overpowered him.

“Welcome Ensign Dick Duckley,” said OT VIII Ed Lambert.

DON’T CALL ME ENSIGN!” screamed Ensign Dick Duckley whereupon he violently shoved Ed Lambert’s head into the wall so hard that it punched a hole in the drywall. “Haven’t you read the new COB Directive? You are to never, ever, ever, refer to any Sea Org member by their honorary Sea Org rank you CICS! My Sea Org rank means nothing! I derive my authority from my post within the Scientology ecclesiastical hierarchy of churches! Moreover, although many of my juniors outrank me, I am still their senior as Commanding Officer Ideal Org Ethics and Compliance Western US (CO IOEC WUS)! Got it?!”

drywall“Got it,” said the dazed Ed Lambert as he picked impacted flecks of drywall from his now battered and dusty skull. Lambert was quickly regretting the fact he did not find or manufacture an excuse to skip this mandatory OTC meeting.

Duckley was furious with the wretched  downstat “ethics bait” public Scientologists in the Valley. Adding to their crimes, only seven people had shown up to the mandatory meeting.

Even with free Costco pizza, fully 51 of the OTC members who confirmed their attendance had all made last-minute excuses to stay away. Duckley calculated that these OT’s had gone into mutual out ruds as they couldn’t confront the magnitude of the statcrash — let alone confront their enormous crimes against the Church and COB.

costco-pizzaEnsign Duckley picked up a slice of Costco pizza and began eating. Actual research has shown that Costco pizza is quite delicious. It is certainly much better than the godawful slop Duckley was forced to consume daily at Pac Base in order to fend off starvation and death.

Ensign Duckley was very hungry. Pac Base had been on a diet of rice and beans and eggs for several months now. This was the tastiest food Duckley had eaten in at least one year. Accordingly, he sat down at the conference table and wolfed down an entire Costco pizza. He washed it down with a full liter of cold Pepsi. It was heaven.

Duckley let out a long burp and then stood up. Having nourished himself in silence as the OTC cowered in the far corner of the room, Duckley did what he had been sent to do: He gave the Valley OTC an R Factor with an atomic branding iron: “If you panty-waisted, theety-wheetie, dilettantes don’t have a new million dollars next week all of you will be declared SP’s! That comes straight from COB. Now I suggest you call Nancy Cartwright and a few other real OT’s to make it happen!”

OT VIII Ed Lambert

OT VIII Ed Lambert

The stunned OT Committee members sat in shocked silence. Each of their NOTs’ cases was keyed-in and buzzing as they trembled in fear of Ensign Dick Duckley.

Ed Lambert, however, had apparently pulled in a concussion when Ensign Duckley put in harsh Sea Org Ethics on him. Lambert didn’t understand one word of what Duckley was saying.

Ed Lambert instead began speaking incoherently in Shermanspeak, which is to say he sounded normal for a Scientologist.

“And so by way of arriving at a fully embracive solution…” Lambert declared with supreme OT confidence.

Thinking Lambert had something vitally important to say — and being conditioned to obediently listen to Shermanspeak — everyone in the room stopped to listen to the man.

“…which solution is contained in the materials of GAT II and Super Power,” Lambert emphasized, “and so it follows that when our social betterment technologies are gotten in — and applied at the correct orders of magnitude, and yes, applied in the exact sequence — planetary clearing not only becomes possible but it becomes inevitable. Whereupon, it becomes evident that COB’s new Purif uniforms are responsible for the crime rate plunging 95% across entire sectors and nations and continents….”

“SHUT UP YOU BABBLING BLATHERING IDIOT!” shouted Ensign Dick Duckley. This rebuke did not register with OT Ed Lambert who kept babbling on in the valence of COB.

Valley2-1024x992Ensign Duckley ignored Ed Lambert and glared at the rest of the OT Committee members. “COB thinks your future Ideal Org is an ugly and old embarrassing piece of crap building. COB personally told me that your building is old and rundown and that all of you are also old and rundown”

“My orders from COB,” Duckley announced, “are to get some beautiful young people into the Valley and find a way to offload all of you fossils onto some Org in Mexico — except of course for Nancy, Michael,  Craig and a few other real OT’s who have the wherewithal and ability to truly make an Ideal Org happen and then boom its stats through the roof. You losers are just not cutting it and COB wonders if you all false attested to Clear. You’ll be getting a call about that later today from the HCO.”

Ensign Dick Duckley left the Valley in disgust and, in equal disgust, headed back to Pac Base and the life there he so hated.

Church of Scientology’s Master Plan for Clearwater, Florida

SP.Bldg“We in the Church of Scientology are pleased to announce our sweeping and fully embracive new master plan to transform Clearwater, Florida,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“When the Church of Scientology first came to Clearwater in 1975 what we found was a filthy and degraded little truck stop town awash in crime, drugs, sexual deviance, and disgraceful mismanagement by City Hall. Shockingly, the so-called ‘locals’ liked this existing scene because it allowed them to openly peddle drugs in the streets, consort with prostitutes, and ply their con games on tourists.”


Captain David Miscavige practices KCS — Keeping Clearwater Safe!

“Accordingly, we in the Church of Scientology made an ‘OT Pledge’ to clean things up in Clearwater.”

“We began with the head SP Mayor Gabe Cazares and his crooked band of ragtag hoodlums he called a police force. Mayor Cazares, his cronies in City Hall, and the dirty cops didn’t like having Scientology Ethics put in on them but so what? We in the Church of Scientology have a Planet to clear and so we took a great big push broom to City Hall and swept the place clean.”

“The SP politicos squawked and made all sorts of wild-eyed and unfounded accusations about the Guardian’s Office this and the Guardian’s Office that, but at the end of the day Clearwater was much better off. “

tech“Next on our list were the ‘local businesses’ in Downtown Clearwater that were either pawn shops, dirty book stores, or fronts for organized crime to engage in money laundering.”

“We quickly chased away those phony wog dry cleaners, pharmacies, florists, insurance agencies, coffee shops and other business out of the Church of Scientology’s precious Downtown Clearwater. The ‘locals” who had frequented those shady businesses soon discovered they needed to go elsewhere to buy their street drugs, procure their prostitutes, or pawn their stolen jewelry and electronics.”

“Downtown Clearwater has become safer than ever thanks to we in the Church of Scientology ruthlessly putting in Ethics on a city that once made all Floridians feel deeply ashamed.”

The Honorable, the Beneficent, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige is applauded by Sea Org members including Tom Cruise. “And now our master plan for Clearwater can be announced: After bankrupting the city, we in the Church of Scientology will purchase the land, municipal facilities, and other assets of Clearwater in the bankruptcy auction.”

“Whereupon, Mayor David Miscavige will then have all remaining wog trespassers in Clearwater removed from our property quietly and without sorrow.”

J. Swift Does Not Own a Range Rover!

We in RTC have discovered, and rather belatedly so, that the following piece was written by a so-called “guest columnist” named J. Swift. We deeply resent this and have sent this person a Freeloader Bill for $5,000,000. How dare anyone use the RTC Blog without Issue Authority directly from COB RTC!


Like a pack of Scientology regges, Range Rover repeatedly keeps contacting me by e-mail:

Please provide feedback on your Range Rover Sport


Land Rover is passionate about providing extraordinary vehicles that are the finest expression of luxury, technology and capability.  Land Rover is also committed to producing vehicles which meet the very highest standards of quality & customer satisfaction.

To ensure that our engineers deliver on this and meet the expectations of Land Rover owners, we invite you to participate in our online quality survey regarding your Range Rover Sport. Your feedback will be received by our engineers directly.

range_rover_200_1024x768The problem is that I do not own a Range Rover and never have.

Nevertheless, Range Rover is convinced that I own a Range Rover and am somehow obligated to complete their survey.

My thinking is that someone at Range Rover needs a stat. I have therefore relented to their demands and have written up my Range Rover success story and e-mailed it to them:

Earlier this year my Range Rover allowed me to effect a dramatic off-road escape from robbers in Mexico.
I drove over 100 miles through some of the worst terrain possible while being hotly pursued by lesser off-road vehicles — all of which broke down over the course of what turned into an extended running gun battle between myself and the desperadoes.
Although my Range Rover became riddled with bullets fired from the guns of savage criminals, this splendid vehicle remained intact and delivered incredible performance, certainly more than I had ever expected to use.
As the last robbers fell to my gunshots, I crossed a small-gauge mining railroad bridge to safety.
When I at last arrived at my villa, I counted 22 bullet holes. Nothing serious was hit. Sure, the window glass and upholstery had been shot apart but that is to be expected in a raging gun battle of this singular and epic intensity. Thankfully, I had a good 50+ clips preloaded and placed in a crate on the exquisite leather front passenger seat or I would surely have been killed by the bandits. I was impressed with the way in which the Range Rover’s power steering allowed me to steer over rugged terrain with one hand while shooting with my other hand.
I estimate that I fired at least 600 rounds and quite probably killed several of the criminals. I know for certain that I killed the thin pale bandit named Onofredo.
After sorting things out at my rancho, I shipped the vehicle back to the US and had it fully inspected and repaired. As it eventuated there were several mechanical parts that had taken fire and needed to be replaced but this was to be expected and did not come as a surprise to me.
Overall, I am very impressed with my Range Rover and would recommend it to my friends.
J. Swift

Emergency: The Way to Happiness Needed to Bring Peace to Iraq!

the-way-to-happiness-audiobook“As Iraq implodes, it is vital that hundreds of millions of copies of The Way to Happiness be rushed to this global hotspot immediately,” declared Dr. Eldon Weiner, Commanding Officer of Enforced Happiness for the Church of Scientology.


“Captain David Miscavige has personally backed this massive humanitarian relief effort by ordering his wife Shelly sent to Baghdad.” stated Dr. Weiner. “What other global ecclesiastical leader would so selflessly send his own wife halfway across the world to hand out copies of The Way to Happiness to folks who could use some happiness right about now? Well sir, lemme tell you that’s just the way Captain  Miscavige operates!”

Dr. Eldon Weiner, CO Enforced Happiness

Dr. Eldon Weiner, CO Enforced Happiness

“Shelly was parachuted into Baghdad last night along with everyone in Int Base RPF,” Dr. Weiner noted. “They’re all religious volunteers who went into Baghdad to help.”

“Sure, most of them had to be forcibly thrown off the back deck of the chartered C-130, but that usually needs to be done on anyone’s first night jump.”

“Captain Miscavige expects his wife Shelly and her fellow Sea Org members to make it go right in Baghdad. They’re all experts on the mind and on communication.”

“Even if Shelly and her fellow RPF’ers don’t speak whatever Arab gibberish is spoken in Iraq, they’ll still be able to communicate the precepts contained in The Way to Happiness  by pure intention,” Dr. Weiner observed. “Captain Miscavige remains in the RTC building at Int Base where he is monitoring events on the ground in Iraq. He has several flat screens turned to CNN, ABC, FOX News and so on.”

GL“The one night-vision selfie Guillaume Lesevre texted us before his cellphone went dead suggests that the crew landed safely in a field somewhere in Baghdad. They have water, protein bars, and $100 in American money. They’ll do just fine.”

“Captain Miscavige expects all Scientologists to support this heroic Sea Org mission of mercy to Iraq by making a monumental donation to the IAS in the next 10-15 minutes. If we don’t see the cash you can expect a knock on your door from the Sea Org for being CICS!”

My Scientology Super Power Wins!

APPLEWHITEHello my name is Marshall and I wanted to tell you about my wins on Super Power.

I twinned with Grant Cardone and he is really POW! Grant is soooo OT that he is Mr. OT.

I was like, POW! Blown fifty feet out my head. Factually, it is like… space and time. Colors. Smells. It is a Technicolor dream-catcher made of perceptions. I’m more myself than I’ve been in trillions of years. I discovered what it really is all about. I didn’t know what it was all about before but now I do.

How can I even stay in this vehicle, this meat body, I inhabit when I constantly feel as if I am floating and am exterior? Seriously, the room is spinny right now and my feet, my feet are floating off the ground a few inches and I’m laughing. I’m so000 completely blown out of case right now I have no case.

It’s Super Power and thank you COB. Thank you for being on this planet in the vehicle you inhabit. Thank you for being so OT for all of us, for the group.

marshall-applewhite.jpg.1YOU, yes YOU, need to do Super Power right now.

I want you to call Flag and handle whatever you need to handle to get on Super Power and then join Grant Cardone and I as FANTASTIC SUPER POWER COMPLETIONS!!!!

ma.2 I’m taking the vital and necessary next step: I’m increasing my IAS Patron Status.

That’s what a Super Power completion does… He or she… increases their IAS Patron Status.

I’m too, too, too excited to continue with my success story. I have to run around outside, to go, to go, to find the scene of an accident and help. Because I’m the only one who can help.

My Super Succes story? Done. Watch this video now: